Happily Ever After

Pictures

2012-02-13T09:22:00.007-06:00

These are some of Baby J's first birthday pictures. It was incredibly difficult to keep him in the photographers "area". He didn't want to stay in this designated area she had for him and would take off repeatedly. Then she would put down the camera and wait for J and I to go get him. It was really quite frustrating and J and I were exhausted afterwards. I really wish the photographer would have gone after him and taken some more whimsical shots.

Baby J weighs 24 pounds and is in the 55% and is in the 85% for height. Up until 3 months ago I would have told you he was a fantastic eater and would try anything I put in front of him. He will still try things but will spit them out now if it's not what he wants to eat. So I've had to keep the baby food stocked in the pantry for when he decides he is not eating what we are having for dinner. Our pediatrician insists this is normal so we are just going with the flow.

Baby J started walking at 10 months and has been all over the place since. He has a 10 word vocabulary and started the baby jabber conversations about 2 months ago. He loves going shopping with Mommy which is great because J doesn't! I have had many women stop me and say they would bring their children shopping too if they behaved like he does. Baby J is a people watcher and he loves seeing and being around other children. We have a nanny for him and she comes to the house Monday through Thursday to watch him so he doesn't get the daycare interaction that a lot of kids do. He is incredibly social though despite this and I think it is because we take him shopping, out to eat and he spends time with our friends and their children on the weekends. Baby J goes to my mom's house on Friday's and if she has any of my nieces and nephews there he gets to see them which I think helps too. Although the one time he has been sick in his short life was after spending the afternoon with my 2 year old nephew - Baby J came down with the croup 4 days later and I was beside myself with grief. So was my mom, feeling guilty that it happened on her watch but what can you do? Kids share toys and germs, it's going to happen.

Weekends fly by and my time with Baby J is so precious - I treasure every moment. Last Friday I had to leave home at 6:30 am and didn't get home from work until 6:30 pm. He was asleep when I left and I hated leaving without so much as a hug and a kiss. Then he went to bed at 8:00 pm so my time with him was so small. I hate days like that! He is such a joy and my favorite topic to talk about!

Back for Another Round

2012-02-03T13:48:00.008-06:00

I'm back. It feels odd to be in this place again. Here, the place where all I did was write about dreams of babies and hoping for prayers to be answered. Our prayers were answered 13 months ago when Baby J arrived in this world.

I have so much love in my heart for him. More than I ever thought I could have. My heart swells beyond it's own capacity sometimes and tears fall from my cheeks when I am rocking him to sleep at night. When asked about what it feels like to be a mommy my response is that your heart grows like 5 times as big. You love your husband, your family and friends, your dog - but the love for your babies is so different.

Our entire world has changed and only for the better. All the things I used to fret about have no meaning anymore. Working a 50 hour work week, keeping a marriage on track and raising a 13 month old has it's challenges of course but I love this life.

But my past life still exists - my infertile life. I always hoped that those feelings would go away but they haven't. Once an infertle, always an infertile. We have been trying for another one on our own but it hasn't happened. I had one month when I swore I had to be pregnant and of course, I wasn't. But then you know what happened? My sister with 3 children announced she was pregnant again. Yeah. It was like a knife through my gut and it still stings. Dammit, why haven't those feelings gone away?!

Probably because I love being a mommy so much that I dream of another one all the time. We said we wouldn't go back through IVF again but we are. We have one snow baby left and I will start my meds for a Fet this month. I told J that I have to try or I will always wonder "what if.." and I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to wake up 5 years from now and wish we had tried.

J asked how I will "be" if it doesn't work. I said I will be sad, but I won't be devasted because we have Baby J. But then my friends, I will be done. No more OPK's, no more checking cervical mucous, no more trying to make a baby. I'm exhausted. I will probably get my tubes tied sometime in 2014 if it doesn't "just happen" before then. J asked me why and I said because I didn't want to be that woman who gets miracuously pregnant at 45. He understands my reasoning because he would be 54. Babies are such a miracle and if we are only meant to have one that's okay. He is so loved.

I logged everything about our journey to our identical twins, the journey to Baby J and the embryo with transferred with him that didn't come to be ,and now I will write about this journey as well.

I will post about my little precious baby J next time!

Baby J's Birth Story

2011-01-08T09:17:00.007-06:00

I started this post back on January 8, almost a month ago. Time is no longer my own and there is no way I would rather it be. With that, I am posting Baby J's birth story below however, I am no longer going to be writing on this blog. When I think of things to write about now it's all about my beautiful baby. This blog was about our struggle and journey to parenthood and now it seems we have successfully crossed the finish line. I am forever grateful to all of you for your support during that time. I still plan on commenting in an effort to cheer my friends across their own finish line and pray that beautiful babies will be placed in all of your arms soon. Heaven knows you all deserve it!

On Thursday, December 23 I had a pregnancy massage at 10:00 am. The massage was 90 minutes of glorious rubbing and I truly believe it was all this rubbing that helped to bring Baby J into the world. The massage therapist focused on pressure points that would bring on labor. She has had both experience and success with this before so I was confident it would work for us too, I just didn't think it would work so fast!

After the massage I went grocery shopping and came home. While putting away groceries I started having some contractions. I decided to lay down around 1:30 and take a nap but my contractions were keeping me away. I started timing them and they ranged anywhere from 10 to 14 minutes apart. Eventually the contractions subsided and I fell asleep. I woke up around 4:00 and started puttering around the house. At 4:30 contractions started again and by 5:00 they were 5 minutes apart and lasting around a minute. At 5:20 I called J and told him to come home, that we needed to get to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 and were in the L&D room by 8:00. At this time my doc came in and broke my water. At 9:00 the contractions were so strong that I had tears in my eyes. I was only 6 cm so my doctor suggested an epidural to make me more comfortable. When she presented me with the fact that I would be having these contractions for a few more hours my mind was made up. By 10:00 the epidural was complete and I was much more comfortable.

At 2:00 am 5 nurses and my doc came rushing into our room. Baby J's heart rate had dipped. They took me off the pitocin so they could monitor him more closely. I was so scared that all I could do was pray. They took my temp. and determined I had started to run a fever. My doc was worried I had an infection from breaking my water and then my labor not progressing fast enough. At 5:00 they determined that Baby J was okay and my fever had broke. We started up the pitocin again to bring back the contractions. At 6:30 my doc came in and said it was time to start pushing. I pushed for about 40 minutes before I heard those precious little cries and my doc say, "It's a boy!"

Shortly after he was born our pediatrician checked on him and thought his heart sounded like he had a murmur / VSD. Once again, my heart ached and I began to pray. I had only held him in my arms for a few minutes and it would be 2 more hours before I would hold him again. Our pediatrician came into our room and said she wanted to run an EKG. At 4 pm she came back and said it came back normal but his labs showed a high CRP level, probably due to my fever and infection. If his labs came back high again on Sunday I would be discharged but he would have to stay in the hospital until Friday.

On Sunday morning our pediatrician came in and said his CRP was a 2 and they need the number to be under 1 so Baby J needed to stay in the hospital. Even though I was being discharged I would be able to stay with him since I was breastfeeding. So after a week of antibiotics being administered through IV's and IM shots in his thighs (I cried every time they poked him!) we were finally released on Friday, December 31 when his CRP came back at .6
It was a hard week in the hospital and I spent every day praying for our baby. I only left once when J came and took me out for pizza ~ even then I was only gone for an hour and a half.

And now Baby J is completely healthy and growing strong! J and I weighed him at his 6 week mark (last Friday) and he was 12 pounds already :) I am still off of work and won't be returning until the end of March.

With that I bid you good-bye while wishing all of you peace, love and healthy babies growing in your bellies!

Love and Hugs,
Jenn

Christmas Came a Day Early

2010-12-29T05:20:00.002-06:00

At 5:20 pm on Thursday, December 23 I told J we needed to go to the hospital. Shortly before 8:00 pm we were in the L&D room and at 7:20 am on Friday, December 24 our Christmas Miracle was placed in my arms. He weighed 8 lbs 6 1/2 ounces and was 20 inches long. He has a head full of hair and the most amazing blue-grey eyes. He is nursing like a champion and has already surpassed his birth weight.

I look at this baby each day and am in awe of the imense love that engulfs my heart. I had no idea I was capable of this kind of love for another human being and J feels the same way. I look at our son and tears form in my eyes; tears of shear joy and wonder that this little one is ours. Our Christmas came a day early.

I will post more about Baby J's birth soon. I hope you had a joyous holiday with family and friends and I look forward to catching up with you in the new year!

39 Weeks and Counting.....

2010-12-21T07:40:00.003-06:00

39 Week appointment today and I am 1 cm. dilated. One. I realize that one cm. is more than last week but I am disappointed. I really want to go into labor on my own but the doc and I made plans today to induce on December 30 if that doesn't happen. 40 Week appointment will be next Monday. She did strip my membranes today (inserting two fingers inside my cervix to loosen the mucus plug and the bag of waters from the uterus) and I cannot even put into words how badly this hurt. As she was doing it I thought to myself, how am I going to give birth if this hurts so bad?? Supposedly labor will typically start within 3 days of doing this....we'll see!

Why you don't wait until two weeks before you are due to put your crib together:

You will wind up in tears, crying on the phone to PBK Customer Service and waiting a week for a replacement piece. That happened last week. J couldn't figure out why I was crying so hard and quite frankly, neither could I ~ very irrational these days. J kept saying, "I thought Baby J was going to be in the bassinet for the first couple months...." And J is right. It's just that I have waited for the crib to be set up in the nursery since the end of September. September 23 was when the crib was delivered and it has been a box in our laundry room since then. But the side piece of the crib that was damaged from the September delivery was replaced yesterday with a perfect piece so all is good again....well, J still hasn't put the crib together but I'm hoping he will do that tonight :)

I am officially on vacation from work right now, which is lovely. Finished my Christmas shopping today and ran into 2 of my clients at the mall. They were surprised I still hadn't sent them an email with a birth announcement ~ now they know why!

I scheduled a pregnancy massage for Thursday morning and can hardly wait. She is going to focus on some points to help induce labor. My acupuncturist also shared some points that I can apply pressure to so we'll be trying those over the next few days as well.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday with your families and friends. Hopefully I will be posting our birth story soon!

Lots of love to all of you!

38 Week Stats

2010-12-13T09:01:00.004-06:00

I pretty much spent the weekend cuddled up at home, avoiding the 15 degree weather outside. I did have the breastfeeding class which was really good and beneficial. During my weekend of R&R I had some time to think about the last 9 1/2 months and thought I would put some stats and info. together.

Stats and Misc. Pregnancy Info
28 pounds gained - yes, these pounds are in addition to the 15 lbs I have put on over the last couple years of treatments. My goal was to be at 25 lbs but I really don't care at this point. Baby J is healthy and growing and that is all that matters.

No stretch marks! I use a facial product from NuSkin called Enhancer which I have also been rubbing on my belly.

My skin started out radiant then turned oily around 25 weeks. My skin went clear again around 29 weeks and has been pretty good since then.

I am down to 1 skirt, 1 pair of dress pants and 1 pair of maternity jeans that fit. Thankfully the skirt and dress pants will go away at the end of this week.

My belly button never popped out. You can really see the scars from when I was 18 and got my belly button pierced as well as the incision scars from my endo surgery.

The dark pigmentation line many women get during pregnancy isn't very dark on me and my line also goes above my navel, almost to my boobs.

My belly has a lot of blond peach fuzz hair on it which I fondly refer to as my Chia Pet.

I still look in the mirror after I get out of the shower and am in awe of my belly.

Around 28 weeks I started taking an additional calcium supplement every day and my night time leg cramps ceased to exist.

Heartburn really kicked in this last month and has me getting out of bed at 3 am in search of Tums.

Speaking of getting out of bed ~ a typical night is 5 to 7 times and is usually for a bathroom trip or to stretch out my aching hips.

I still have moments of despair like Friday night when I woke up laying flat on my back in bed. (This goes back to my hips hurting so bad in the night) I spent the next 2 hours poking at my belly, trying to get Baby J to kick me back. I would feel a faint nudge but nothing major so it still did not settle my ever racing mind. Finally at 5 am I fell back asleep when he/she was awake and letting me know I had disturbed their slumber.

I haven't had much swelling, just a little in my feet and ankles. I feel like my face changed more this past week (looking fatter) but J doesn't think so ~ or at least that is what he says! He really is a good man :)

I had 2 dreams about half way that Baby J was a boy then about 6 weeks ago I had a dream it was a girl.

We have our baby names picked out from the list we put together when I was pregnant with the twins. We selected our #1 favorite boy and girl names.

We had maternity pics taken at 33 weeks and I am in love with them. We will have more pics taken after Baby J arrives. The photographer suggests within a week of the baby being born which I am so excited for. I already have outfits picked out for all 3 of us.

Two weeks ago J and I were shopping and I had to go to the bathroom. This was the first time J referred to my walk as a waddle. It is a joke with us now.

J has been very kind when speaking of my growing body to friends and family who call to check on us, referring to my belly as a basketball. Yesterday he referred to it as a beach ball :)

Yesterday I turned 38 weeks and today is my weekly appointment. I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks over the weekend and was hoping to be dialated at least a little bit today....but no ~ my cervix is still closed! We do live in the midwest and it's pretty cold so it appears Baby J is hibernating!

37 Weeks

2010-12-08T14:49:00.005-06:00

Wow, I cannot believe how time is flying by. Only 7 days of work left before I am on vacation and waiting for Baby J to makes its entrance into the world. I am ready to be off of work although preparing to leave for 14 weeks is not easy and has quite frankly, wiped me out. I spent the last two days traveling with the person who is going to cover my accounts while I am gone. I got home last night at 5:30 and was in bed by 7:30.

Overall I am feeling really good. Baby J is still kicking me like crazy all day long and I've read that the baby will actually slow down before labor so I have to assume he/she is not quite ready yet, which is fine by me. I'm anxious to meet this little one but I want it to be when nature says its time.

At my 36 week appointment the doc asks me, "do big babies run in your family?" Uh, well, my sister's babies were all 6 lbs but my mom's were all 8 lbs. "well, you are all baby and I would have to say that it is going to be at least 8 lbs if not 9. We'll just want to watch you close over the next couple weeks" Whhhhaaaaa??? Have I mentioned that I want a drug free labor and delivery?

Today was my 37 week appointment and doc said the same thing ~ all baby, probably going to be a big one. Not dialated at all and not surprised. I was however, surprised to find out that my doctor is going to be out from December 20 to January 3. So if I am on time she will not be delivering Baby J. I am a little disappointed but I do like all the doctors in their office so I'm sure any of them will be just fine.

Our Childbirth Education classes are over now and the breastfeeding class is this Saturday. Only 18 days until our due date. I am excited. I am a little nervous too but more excited than nervous. Our carpets are getting cleaned tomorrow and J will put Baby J's crib together this weekend. Things feel like they are just moving right along!

35 Weeks

2010-11-24T05:32:00.002-06:00

It's hard to believe this time is really here and happening...happening to me, to us. You would think that 9 months would give someone time to gain perspective and realize that yes, you are going to have a baby, but it doesn't always. Even as I type this my belly is moving all around, proving to me that life is growing inside and I still can't wrap my brain around it some days.

I had my first braxton hix contracts last week and of course, I was traveling for work. I was a little freaked out at first then excitement took over and amazingly enough, I started to relax. Now this past Sunday the baby dropped more and I could hardly walk all morning. It felt like Baby J was trying to push out of me. If I didn't know there was a baby in my belly I would think I was getting ready for the Niagara falls of all periods. The cramping and low back pain was so familiar. I kept thinking how it felt like I was coming full circle.

Needless to say our suitcase is now ready to go. There were a few odds and ends missing but after Sunday I took the time to make sure everything we will need is ready and all right next to each other. J won't have to run to 3 different places around the house to gather everything we need.

We've been going to baby classes for the last 4 weeks. Next week is the last one which includes our tour of the rooms and nursery. This week they brought in 4 sets of mommy's and daddy's with their newborn babies. Ages ranged from 2 weeks to 8 weeks old. Each told their birth story and afterwards we could ask questions. It all seemed so surreal....I couldn't take my eyes off of these little babies. We are going to have one of those soon. Living in our home. Baby J will be here and ours to love forever. Really? Is this really happening? Tears of pure gratitude and joy slip down my cheeks whenever I think about it.

So back to the mommy's and daddy's at our class. When I wasn't oggling the babies I was staring at each couple and thinking how they probably made their little bundles the old fashioned way, not the new fashioned way like me and J. How their baby making journey wasn't years full of tests, needles and tears. Does that make me love my baby more? Right or wrong, most days I think it does.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and we have so much to be thankful for. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday with family and friends. Sending you all love and hugs.

32 Weeks

2010-10-31T15:21:00.000-05:00

This is me at 29 weeks, the most recent photo I have downloaded to my computer. I feel like I get bigger every day now. Baby J moves around at warp speed inside me. Last week I had an OB appt and doc didn't think he / she had dropped yet but was ready to. I have been going every 4 weeks and now I will start going every 2 weeks.

Tomorrow is a big day ~ we have our ultrasound at 3:00 pm to determine if my placenta has moved and if we are clear for a vaginal delivery. I am so excited for this appointment but only because we get to see the baby! We haven't seen baby J for 12 weeks so it will be interesting to see how much change has taken place. Then we have our first baby class at the hospital where I am going to deliver. No Monday night football for J for the next 4 weeks!

I feel like I am so far behind with everything. I am still reading blog posts when I can but have been a very poor commenter. Work has been crazy busy and my boss is on a rampage with something different on a daily basis. I am trying to get all of my work traveling done in the next three weeks which adds more pressure. Then to top it off I still do not know if the company has someone to cover my accounts while I am on maternity leave. I am hopeful my boss will get news this week so I can start telling my clients who they need to call in my absence.

My baby shower was last Sunday and we received so many lovely gifts. I only wanted to have one shower so we invited both sides of my family and also friends. It has been fun going through everything and getting the nursery ready. I feel pretty good about having what we need to bring baby J home now. The crib is here although it is not set up yet. The bassinet is set up and ready though. I'm not a "game person" for baby or bridal showers but we did make up little cards for everyone to guess what the sex of Baby J is. 32 think it's a boy and 15 think it's a girl. Everyone has a 50% chance of being right :)

I had my glucose and anemia tests a couple of weeks ago and those both came back fine (thank goodness!) I also had my thyroid checked and received my first dose of the Rhogam shot. It's hard to believe we are in the single digits for weeks left now. I'm still feeling good although I am very tired lately. I am dreading Day Light Savings Time and it getting dark at 5:00 pm. I already want to go to bed at 7:00 every night.

For those of you still reading I apologize for been a bad bloggy friend and not commenting. I am reading your posts though and sending prayers up for all of you daily. My fingers are crossed that work will slow down next week and I can get back to using my lunch hour to send you love and hugs but in the meantime, know I'm still here, cheering you on from the sidelines.

I have to go clean our bathrooms now...Happy Halloween!

Let the 3rd Trimester begin!

2010-10-01T15:30:00.000-05:00

Oh September, where did you go?? The last month seems to have passed me by. We were gone for 7 days on vacation in Seattle. We had a great time with wonderful friends and I hated saying goodbye. We were home for 3 days then I was off to St. Louis for a work conference for a week. During the time in between I have interviewed Nannies, cleaned out cupboards to remove unsafe cleaning chemicals from our home, washed baby clothes and gained 5 lbs!

We had an OB appt this week to mark the last week of the second trimester. Baby J's heart rate was bumping along at 159 bpm and is still measuring ahead of schedule. I go next week for my glucose and anemia screening. They will also check my thyroid and give me my Rhogam shot for the RH factor. My doc said no sugar 24 hours before the glucose test which means no birthday cake for me :( Yes, my 34th birthday is next Monday. The day will be bittersweet ~ I am overjoyed because I am pregnant but I was pregnant on my birthday last year too. It was actually the day after my birthday that we discovered there were two babies and I remember thinking that I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present.

Baby J is very active and just when I think he/she has a pattern it will change. As I type this I see my shirt moving, reminding me of the little one growing inside. The baby crib was delivered yesterday and while I am very excited to have J assemble it in the nursery, it also makes me nervous. It's the cynical Infertile in me that still cannot believe that dreams actually do come true. Have you heard the Michael Bouble song, Haven't Met You Yet? When I start feeling like this I play that song and it always make me smile. It has become my song to Baby J.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

I am at the point now where random people touch my belly. I was checking into a hotel earlier this week and the woman ahead of me says, So when is your baby girl due? I said, pardon me? She said, are you having a girl? and I responded that her guess was as good as mine. Then later that night at a restaurant a woman says, do you know what you're having? It sure looks like a boy to me! I just laughed and said she had a 50/50 chance of being right.

The linea negra (dark line under my belly button) is starting to appear and my actual belly button is more shallow. My sister's didn't pop out for any of her 3 pregnancies and I am wondering if mine will...
In other news: I can no longer see my girly bits. I had dinner with some girlfriends and asked why they never told me this would happen. Everyone tells you about the day when you can no longer see your toes but I think this is a much more important topic! My one friend says, oh, you just quit shaving down there and the other one says, just go get waxed. Well, I will be doing neither of those. I've been shaving long enough that I have a pretty good idea of where I need to navigate and am taking my chances. I'm sure it's not pretty but I refuse to let an amazon grow and my bits are too sensitive right now to apply wax!

The weather has been beautiful in the Midwest this past week. Autumn has arrived and I think I will go buy some pumpkins tomorrow to put on my front porch. How will you spend your weekend?

23 Week OB Appt

2010-09-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

My 23 week appointment was this morning and Baby J's heart rate was 144 bpm. I wasn't too surprised when she said this, it's heart rate always seems to be in the 140's. It was funny when my Doc first put the doppler on my stomach b/c she started laughing and said, did you hear that? The baby is kicking the doppler. I do believe we've got a little stinker on our hands :)

Still measuring 4 days ahead of schedule and feeling great. The baby is so active and I can feel it moving all the time. Sometimes the movement is so low and deep inside me that it feels like it's trying to dig it's way out of there. The baby also seems to be awake a moving when I get up for my 3 am trip to the bathroom. As soon as I lay back down it's awake and tickling me from the inside, making it very difficult to fall back asleep. I suppose this just preparing me for what lies ahead!

I talked to the doc about the Placenta Previa and she said my placenta isn't even marginal ~ what a relief! She said it is only slightly covering my cervix and she is confident it will move up as my uterus continues to grow. Yay! No restrictions which was another relief. We leave for a vacation to Seattle the middle of this month and I was slightly concerned about flying, but she said just to make sure I get up and walk around when I'm on the plane.

About a week ago I noticed some small veins popping up on the left side of my belly. I asked Doc about those too and she said they are just another symptom of pregnancy. I've definitely noticed more on my legs (around my knees and ankles) but the stomach ones surprised me. She said they may turn into stretch marks later or they could just go away after I have the baby ~ every woman is different.

Up until this point I have been perplexed by the women who say they are constipated during pregnancy. I have been so regular.....but not now. I guess it's just par for the course. My acupuncturist suggested that I wake up and eat a banana. I'm going to the local Farmer's Market tomorrow morning so I'll be taking her suggestion.

Not much going on for the holiday weekend other than house cleaning, working on Baby J's room and I am starting our nanny search. I finally selected a company to go with, wrote up our bio and now I need to contact the young women we are interested in. My fear is that we'll have a hard time getting a commitment from someone when the position won't start for 6 months ~ 3 months left of pregnancy and 3 months of maternity leave. But I figure I've got to get started on this! Everyone says the last trimester flies by and I don't want to be scrambling with trying to find childcare.

Hope everyone gets to enjoy a long weekend and do something fun!!

Placenta Previa

2010-08-24T15:27:00.001-05:00

Well, after waiting almost 2 weeks (it will be two weeks tomorrow) for my ultrasound results I broke down and called my OB nurse to ask about our 20 week scan results. The most important news is that our little baby is perfect! The part about the call I didn't like was when the nurse said I have Placenta Previa which is also known as a low-lying placenta. She couldn't tell me much because my doc STILL had not reviewed the results but she could read me the Radiologists notes. So my placenta is covering my cervix but the nurse couldn't tell me how much. She said it is closer to the front though, which is the most common condition. I will have another ultrasound at 32 weeks to determine if I will have to have a C section. If the placenta is still over the cervix we will more than likely schedule a Section for 37 weeks. Two reasons ~ They don't want you to go into labor and we have the RH factor so they don't want me to bleed. We cannot risk an emergency C Section.

The good news is that many times the placenta will move away from the cervical opening before delivery. This actually occurs in 1 out of 200 pregnancies and it more common in women who have had many previous pregnancies (not me) has had a previous multiples pregnancy (me) has an abnormally shaped or tipped uterus (me).

Fortunately, I have not had any symptoms of this condition which is bleeding. My IRL friend is 34 weeks with Placenta Previa and found out b/c she started bleeding after some hubby lovin'. After that she was told no more until the baby was born. J is convinced we won't have sex again for 2 years (not sure where he gets 2 years from but you know men...!)

So we need to wait for my doc's letter to determine if it is Marginal Placenta Previa or Complete Placenta Previa. If it is marginal we have a good chance that the placenta will move to the top of my uterus in the third trimester, leaving the opening of the cervix clear for delivery. I really hope so! It may sound crazy to some but I want to experience everything about giving birth ~ my water breaking, contractions, J smoothing back my hair and telling me to push harder, hearing my doc tell me that we can see the babies head...I know in the end all that matters is a healthy baby, which is what we are praying for.

I'm holding on to hope that I will get the letter from my doc soon b/c I'm tired of searching Go.o.gle! I am also scheduled for an OB appt next Thursday and want to be prepared with my questions before then. The mail already came today so we continue to wait...maybe tomorrow?

Some Pictures

2010-08-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

The pics above are me at 4 weeks and 20 weeks. We had our 20 week ultrasound last week and Baby J was really showing off for the camera and it's heart rate showed ~ 157 bpm. My last few dopplers have been in the 140's so I'm assuming the little tike was just chillin' during my OB appointments. Everything with the baby looked good but we are still waiting on the final report from the Radiologist. I was really hoping it would be in the mail today but it wasn't. All fingers and toes are crossed that no news is good news! The u/s tech did give us a disc with the pictures, videos of when the baby was rolling around and also some 3D images. Baby wouldn't move his/her hands from it's face for the 3D shots so the pics aren't the greatest but I don't care. It's in there and growing, which means my prayers are being answered.

I feel the baby move all the time now and it really is the best feeling. A reassuring feeling. Heartburn is really kicking in. I try to put the fire in my throat out with water but that has managed to back fire on me again. On Monday night I drank 5 glasses of water in about 2 1/2 hours and found myself in the bathroom vomiting. That's twice now that I've drank a ton of water in a short amount of time and gotten sick. I think I've learned my lesson now.

10 pounds gained, up a cup size and my nipples look like chocolate pancakes. No major cravings although I am in love with the Edy's Pomegranate Frozen Fruit Bars.

Words of Wisdom?

2010-08-12T12:21:00.000-05:00

If you want to do something, you find a way.

If you don't want to do anything, you find an excuse.

-Arab proverb

One of my clients sent me an email yesterday and this was at the bottom. The first line struck me like a bolt of lightening. This is what all of us who battle infertility are doing ~ we want something and we are finding a way. Some how, some way, we will make our dreams of having children come true.

19 Weeks

2010-08-04T15:10:00.001-05:00

Wow, I didn't realize how long I had been MIA! Work and life have been very busy and everything else seems to be passing me by. I've been trying to read blogs when I can but have been a poor commenter. I hope to get back into the swing of things soon! J and I leave for a long weekend next week and it's always crazy before you go out of town, too much to do!

In baby news....I started to feel what I call "the tingles" at 16 weeks. One night I was talking to J and told him it felt like my insides were tingling. A few days later I was talking to a colleague and she asked me if I had felt the baby yet. I told her no but I had been having these tingles in my belly. She started laughing and told me that was the baby. How was I supposed to know? All the books say it feels like flutters or butterflies. I think it feels like part of my stomach fell asleep and is starting to wake back up. No butterflies for this girl.

I've been feeling really good. I've only thrown up once in 19 weeks and I think it was due to the manic morning I was having; running around the house like a wild woman. I also think I drank too much water. Sharp stabbing pains started in my nipples a couple of days ago. Go.o.gle says it's colostrum producing. I say it's painful!

About 3 nights ago I thought I felt the baby move. No tingles this time, actually moving. But then I started thinking that maybe it was gas and I was imagining things...then last night J and I were watching Shark Week on the Dis.cove.ry channel and I felt it again but harder this time. I put my hand on my belly and I could feel it from the outside. I whispered to J to give me his hand (like the baby was going to hear me or something) and I put it on my belly. Lo and behold it was the baby. He felt it. Wow. That's all I've got. Wow.

This morning was my 19 week OB appt. I am still measuring 4 days ahead of schedule and Dr C said it's good that the baby is remaining consistent with it's growth. Heart rate was 144 bpm. Weight gain to date is 8 pounds.

Today this pregnancy feels real. Why today? I'm not sure if it was because Baby J's heart beat is still there or because I'm almost half way...but today I told myself that I needed to start letting my anxiety go and start enjoying being pregnant. Can I do that? I don't know. I do know that 19 weeks feels incredible. I feel like I'm half way through a tri-athalon.

Next week is our 20 week ultrasound. We'll be turning our heads when it's time to scan Baby J's anatomy. Yup, the sex of our baby will be our Christmas surprise! Not many surprises in life that are as wonderful as the baby you've been praying for for 5 years :) We've told all our family and friends that we'll start taking bets in October!

Difficult Conversations

2010-07-13T08:28:00.000-05:00

It is never easy to have a difficult conversation with anyone, let alone your MIL, but it appears a conversation I have been avoiding is on the horizon. Let me back up a bit and give some history.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws and have always prided myself on this. We didn't share our ttc struggles with them until we were moving onto IVF. I never felt as though they "approved" of IVF. They were supportive and kind during our cycles but it felt forced.

After we found out our one embryo had split and we were pregnant with identical twins they were less than enthusiastic. We were over the moon while they didn't say much. It hurt but I was in such a state of bliss that it didn't really bother me. 5 weeks later was my D&C and the IL's came over that night with dinner. My MIL said to me, "I never felt good about the embryo split. It didn't happen naturally and that always concerned me". Not exactly the most heartfelt thing to say to your DIL who is grieving over the loss of her babies. Then she said it again a few weeks later, then about a month after that and I wanted to explode. I didn't, but I wanted to.

Since this pregnancy her comment after every appointment has been "We'll just keep praying everything keeps going well". Again, not the most supportive of comments and definitely not something a pregnant infertile wants to hear. It's bad enough that every day I question if this is really happening. Every day I wonder what my next appointment will bring and if we will actually have a real live baby at the end of all this. At our 4th of July party I heard this comment several times when our friends were congratulating my IL's on their first grandchild. Then my good friend L came into the kitchen to congratulate me and my MIL happened to be standing next to me. She congratulated my MIL and her response was the same, "We just keep praying everything keeps going well". L looks at me oddly and then I suggest she come with me so I can show her some of our home remodel projects. As we get around the corner L grabs my arm and says, WTF? I told her that I am beside myself with my MIL's comments. I can't bear to hear how pessimistic she is. Why can't she just say "Thank you or We're thrilled for J & J" ? I just know if something happens with this pregnancy she is going to say it was b/c the embryo was frozen. L suggested I have J say something to his mother, which I did ask him to do, but he doesn't want to. I told J that I don't care if she says it to anyone else but I can't hear her say this anymore. I have a hard enough time keeping my head in the clouds with this pregnancy and I don't need anyone bringing me down. He doesn't get it.

So I wonder, do I just say something the next time these words come out of her mouth? Do I risk damaging my relationship with my MIL? Honestly, I worry that I couldn't get the words out without crying.

Here's another piece of this puzzle. This is their first grandchild and will probably be their only one. J has a brother but he doesn't want children and we will not be going through any more cycles after this. I am due December 26 and my IL's typically leave for California for the winter the Sunday after Thanksgiving. We really thought they would wait a month so they could see the birth of their grandchild. Nope. They won't be here and they do not have any intentions of flying home to see the baby. They will not see the baby until they come home in April.

I come from a very demonstrative, affectionate family. My parents have 9 grandchildren to date and they mean the world to them. My parents go through withdrawal if they don't see their children or grandchildren regularly. J's family is very small, just his parents and his brother and they are very private people. So I have to remind myself that our families are completely different. She clearly has no idea that what she is saying bothers me so shouldn't I just tell her? Wouldn't it be better for our relationship if I just spill the beans? What would you do?

Coming Out

2010-07-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

We turned our annual 4th of July party into a "Coming Out" party this year. I wore a maternity tank top but it was still loose fitting so most of the women were debating weather or not they should ask if I was expecting. All of our friends were very surprised, a few cried and we cried with them. A lot of tears and prayers went into this little one growing inside me so it felt great to finally share our joy. All our friends little girls were asking me questions like crazy ~ have you bought any baby things yet? Where's the baby's room going to be? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Do you have any names picked out? J was in awe of how little girls love babies. One of our god children is a boy and his Dad told him we were having a baby. His reply? I hope it's a boy, there's enough girls around here! Just shows how different boys and girls are :)

I had my 15 week appointment today and Baby's J's heart rate was 148 bpm. I could sit with a doppler on my stomach all day. Oh , how I love that sound! I am 15w3d and measured 16 weeks so I am still ahead of schedule. I've only gained 3 pounds but my doctor isn't concerned because the baby appears to be doing well. Dr. C did a pelvic and she said my cervix looks good.

My thyroid levels were checked and I will find out those results in a few days. So far my meds haven't been increased other than taking 2 extra pills each week. We also talked about our RH Factor. I will get my Rogham shot at 28 weeks and then after the baby is born I may have to get another one. It will all depend on the baby's blood type. Dr C. will take some blood from the baby's umbilical cord and if it's positive then I get another shot, if it's negative then I don't.

We talked about blood testing for the different types of disorders ~ DS, Trisonomy, etc. and we have decided we won't be having those tests done. We wouldn't do anything about it if we knew anyway so why stress ourselves out over something we can't control?

I go back for an OB appointment at 19 weeks and then we will have the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. We will not be finding out the sex of the baby. We've decided there are not very many surprises in life that are as incredible as your baby so we'll just wait. One of my brothers said he will start taking bets in October and we'll see how many people wind up being correct!

Progesterone Update

2010-06-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

I believe I mentioned in my last post that my clinic just takes you off the PIO and Estrogen when you reach 12 weeks. No blood test, your body should be "pouring out the progesterone all on it's own by now". So I called my regular OB, the one who I have transferred back to since my long awaited graduation. Nurse Bonnie told me they usually do not test for progesterone after 12 weeks because "your body should be pouring it out all on it's own by now". Seriously? Can't a girl get a break? So I explained that I was uncomfortable with the situation and if they could just do a lab I would feel much better. She complied with my request and set the blood draw for last Friday. My last PIO shot was Sunday, June 13 and they wanted to make sure all the artificial was out of my system, which I appreciated. No news on Friday. No news on Monday. Finally Bonnie called on Tuesday morning and said my progesterone was 29.3 and it was well within the normal range. I did not feel relieved. After being told my body should be "pouring it out" I expected my numbers to be a lot higher. Here's what I found out from Dr. Goo.gl.e:

First trimester - levels range from 9 - 47

Second trimester - levels range from 17 - 147
Third trimester - levels range from 55 - 200

It just seems to me like there is such a broad range here. Technically I was 12w 5d at the time of the b/w and I thought my numbers would be in the hundreds. Wow, was I wrong! I'm trying not to let it freak me out...who am I kidding? Everything about this pregnancy freaks me out.

A girlfriend of mine called me to meet for lunch and give me some of her baby things. Her son is 2 and she's not having anymore. She is one of those lucky IFers who got pregnant after her first IUI. They tried on their own for 13 years and at that time she was 37 and said one was enough. Anyway, it feels really wrong to be taking her baby things. Like they don't belong to me. Like what am I going to do with them? It still hasn't hit me yet that this is really happening and I hate that. A woman I work with got pregnant after 3 months of trying and she "really wasn't ready to get pregnant yet". She was only trying b/c that is what her husband wanted...don't we all wish we had her problems? Although she claimed she wasn't ready she was this blissful pregnant woman. Nothing bothered her, she was pregnant. Nothing seemed to piss her off, she was pregnant. Nothing made her nervous, she was pregnant.

I have a little bump that I'm still hiding from the world although my brother said I'm not hiding it very well. I told him I just I look chubby then poked my tummy and made the Pills.bury dough boy sound. That's $30K worth of chubby that I love with all my heart, body and soul! My pants no longer fit. Dresses with an empire waist are all I wear when I have to leave the house for work. Then its skirts or work-out shorts with elastic waist bands for all the other hours of the day. Nausea has subsided ~ I think going off of the Estrace really helped with this. No libido. I'm not as tired as I was ~ I stayed up until 10 o'clock last night!

I am in Love

2010-06-15T07:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was our 12 week appointment. I was so nervous all morning. At one point I went running for the toilet, thinking I was certainly going to vomit. My stomach was just in knots. You see, it was our 12 week appointment that we discovered our twins hearts had stopped beating. The day was bringing back so many bad memories for both of us.

Our appointment was at 11 am and we waited less than 5 minutes to be taken back for the u/s. This was a nice change of pace. As we are walking down the hallway I was silently praying she wasn't going to take us into the u/s room where we were with the twins. We passed the room and a tear slipped down my cheek. Thank you God.

I sat in the chair with bated breath as she put the warm goo on my tummy. J was by my side, holding my hand tightly. Then we saw it. Flick, flick, flick. The babies heart was pumping away. That was all I needed to see and the tears started again.

The u/s tech was great. She measured the little peanuts crown to rump and said it was right on schedule, actually 5 days ahead of schedule. Then she checked my placenta and ovaries and went back to baby. We were able to see it's little hands and feet and have a picture that looks like he / she is waving to us. The u/s tech pointed out Peanuts bladder, stomach and brain. We could see both hemispheres of the brain and she said that too, was all measuring perfect. She measured arms, legs, hands and feet. Then she measured the folds in the back of Peanut's neck for Down Syndrome. She said you could get up to 3 mm and still be "okay". She measured in 3 places and said the deepest fold was 1.3 mm so we probably didn't have anything to be concerned about. She said the neck was "nice and skinny" and that's what they like to see.

I asked about the other embryo that didn't develop. She said that they did confirm it was an amniotic filled sac but she didn't see it anywhere in my uterus. She said it usually just absorbs back in and that appears to be what happened here.

Peanut's heart rate was 160 bpm and he/ she was swimming around like crazy. At one point the tech said she was going to have to wait for the baby to settle down before she could take more measurements. The amazing thing about this was that I couldn't feel anything. Here is this little baby, bouncing around all inside me and I would really have no idea unless I was watching on the screen. Ahhmazing.

So I am officially done at the hospital where all of our treatments took place. It feels great to say that. It feels great to think I won't have to go back there anymore. Such bittersweet memories exist for me there. I have my first appointment with my OBGYN on July 7 but I am going to call her today and ask for a progesterone test. My last day for the PIO shot was Sunday. My clinic's "standards" are to quit the PIO once you reach 12 weeks. No blood test, just go off the shots. This makes me incredibly nervous. Their theory is that your body should be pumping it out all on it's own by now. But the "what if" still remains for me. What if my body isn't pumping it out all on it's own? So I am hoping Dr. C will understand my concerns and call in for some labs.

I'm still feeling pretty good. Nauseous at least once per day but it usually goes away if I eat something. Pants are getting tight and I've broken some rubber bands trying to make the button trick work. I've gained one pound but it feels like 10! No cravings but I know what sounds good and what doesn't. Turkey disgusts me. I've tried to eat it twice and both times I just couldn't do it. One bite and I was done. Oh, so tired. Hoping the wives tale about getting your energy back in the second trimester is true. I have a little bump, which I love and touch every day. I am so in love with this little baby. I pray he/ she continues to develop and thrive as it has been. Wow, could this really be happening? I still have to pinch myself to believe it.

Big Hearts

2010-06-13T11:23:00.000-05:00

Check out this amazing story on IFCrossroads

What an incredible person. All I can say is "Wow". I've been the girl resenting the pregnant woman sitting across from me...hell, I'm still that girl. Read with a tissue.

Once an Infertile, Always an Infertile

2010-06-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

You've Got Mail is a movie that I always enjoy watching. In fact, I bought the movie years ago but the funny thing is, I've only watched my DVD twice. Every other time I've watched this movie it's been on regular TV with 5 minutes of commercials every 15 minutes. This was the case on Tuesday night. I'm not really a TV watcher, in fact, we can go days without the TV being on in our house. A few years ago we went to watch a movie and the TV wouldn't come on. We weren't sure when the TV had died because it had been 2 weeks since we had last used it.

On to my story: I was flat out exhausted on Tuesday. After all the family drama (oh yes, there was more drama than I care to admit. Family members no longer speaking, who gets what, all just crap that tears families apart) that went along with my grandmothers passing I was just pooped. So at 6 o'clock I snuggled on the sofa with my dog Sunny and had no intention of moving for a few hours. I found "You've Got Mail" on the guide and smiled to myself. Such a feel good movie and I needed to feel good. So I'm watching the movie and Meg Ryan says, "Why do people always say, it wasn't meant to be or some things just happen for a reason?" She goes on to say, "The only reason people say this is because something happened that no one has any reasoning for. No one can explain why it happened or why this person is hurting because it happened". (I'm paraphrasing here, of course) In all my years of watching this movie I never recalled this part. Tears sprang to my eyes and slipped down my cheeks. Because it's true. Then Tom Hanks tells her "it wasn't personal" her response was "all that means is that it wasn't personal to you". Love that part too.

I've often referred to the loss of our twins as "it wasn't meant to be". But why wasn't it meant to be? There are women all over the world who have twins, triplets and quads every day. Their babies live, why did we lose ours? There have been more times than I can count that I've said "everything happens for a reason" when trying to understand our battle with infertility. But what is that reason? Will I ever uncover the reason why we have been tormented with this for so many years?

I'm not really expecting any answers to come of this. These are just feelings that have engulfed my heart that I have to get out somehow. I think it's because I'm always in self preservation mode. I've cried too many tears. My heart has been broken too many times. My scars are too deep. I'm cautiously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our next appointment is on Monday - I will be 12w, 1d. We've decided that if all is good with the ultrasound we will start telling our friends when I am 15 weeks which will be our annual 4th of July party. Right now the only people who know are our parents and siblings. I'm on my knees praying every day we will be holding our baby 6 1/2 months from now.

10W 4D

2010-06-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

Thursday came around with so much emotion. It was going to be a busy day at work, my grandma had been taken off the oxygen and our first OB appointment was in the afternoon. Like everyone experiences on a busy day, the time slips by quickly and before you know it your running out the door like a mad woman. That was me for the doctor appointment that was set for 2 pm, which surprisingly, we arrived on time for. I was very anxious and telling J the whole way there what I needed from him if we didn't hear the heartbeat. After getting checked in we were given 4 pages of medical history to fill out. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. It was so reminiscent of our 12 week appointment with the twins when we waited an hour and 15 minutes only to be told their little hearts had stopped beating a few days before. At 245 pm I asked the receptionist why I was still waiting. She looked me up and said they were actually running on time. They schedule you 30 minutes to fill out your paperwork and then 15 minutes of waiting. Seriously? Whatever. So I sat back down and popped another Jolly Rancher.

My blood pressure was 136 over 69 ~ think I was a little anxious?! I haven't gained a pound and this surprised me because I eat all. day. long. Okay by me as long as the baby is healthy. Finally we go back to the room with the nurse and she starts asking us questions. She said something about us being excited and I said, I'll be happy if we have baby. Surprised she looked at me and asked if something was wrong. I told her about our previous loss. Then the questions started and tears began rolling down my cheeks. Why do patients have files? I have yet to have anyone ever read my file. Anyway, I told her it was very important to me that we hear a heartbeat today. The doctor came in and started talking about the twins. More tears. Then she said if we didn't find the heartbeat with the doppler that we would find it vaginally. Finally ~ someone with some compassion! So she did a pelvic and a pap (because I was due for one in June anyway) which all went fine. Then she squirted the goo on my stomach and I closed my eyes and prayed. Within a few seconds I heard it. A fast beating drum. I opened my eyes, looked at J and started crying. I felt like the elephant that has been sitting on chest had left the building. Doc said the heart rate was about 170 bpm.

To celebrate we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant where we toasted to the hopes of our future baby. I tried to find the heartbeat again when we got home with the monitor I had purchased but couldn't find it. I can still hear the soft little beats when I close my eyes and think about that moment.

I woke up at 2:30 am to go to the bathroom and felt compelled to pray for my grandma. I prayed for her comfort and peace until sleep came over me. My mom called at 7 am to tell me that Grandma passed at 2 am. Amazing how the universe works sometimes.

My Grandmothers Hair was Red

2010-06-01T20:13:00.001-05:00

I got the call from my mom around noon on Monday. My 91 year old grandmother was quickly slipping away and hospice had moved her into a more comfortable room at the nursing home. I left work early today so I could say my goodbye's. My grandmother is a sweet woman who made amazing chicken noodle soup. She was proud of her family, her family has been everything to her. She loved her husband and has been wanting to join him in heaven for 16 years now.

A long time ago my grandmothers hair was red. The red hair gene was passed on to my first cousin, my second cousin and my niece. My brother who has the daughter with red hair went in to say goodbye and showed her pictures of his children. E, with the red hair is obviously very dear to her. I could see my brother showing Grandma the pictures and I whispered to my aunt what he was doing. She responded that my second cousin with the red hair was there earlier and she promised Grandma she would have a baby one day and would pass along the red hair gene. My eyes welled up with tears. You see, my infertile heart is still broken and the first thought that raced through my mind was how easy that is for a 19 year old to proclaim. "When she has a baby..." Then I thought how my grandma would never see my baby. How my grandma doesn't know everything we've gone through trying to create a family. How my heart hurts and how scared I am that we won't hear a heartbeat at our doctors appointment on Thursday.

My grandmother is not able to speak anymore and she slips in an out of consciousness. There is an oxygen tank helping her breathe. She holds foam cylinders in her hands to keep her from digging her fingernails into her palms when the pain comes. She has had dementia for many years so there have been times when she hasn't known who we were. But today, she knew who I was. When most everyone had left I crept into Grandma's room one more time. I put my hand over hers and told her I was going to have a baby. Her eyes widened, she moaned and she tried to lift her arm. She was happy for us, there was true joy on her face and I'm glad I told her. I told my mom what I had said to her and she whispered that Grandma already knew. Grandma had told her a couple of months ago that I was going to have a baby boy. I guess we'll see....oh, how I pray Grandma was right in her proclamation.

A Rant and HGTV

2010-05-26T17:34:00.000-05:00

So I've been hoping around on blogs today (I should have been working but what can I say? I'm distracted!) I was trying to find blogs of women who were in the first trimester like myself. Much to my dismay I kept finding blogs of these twenty-something women who are currently pregnant after going through fertility treatments. One young woman age 27, was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility after 8 months of trying to have a baby. 8 months. 8 freaking months ~ are you kidding me? Suffering with the pathetic diagnosis of Unexplained IF myself I can empathize and identify with anyone given that explanation but not someone who was trying for 8 months and is now currenlty prego via IVF. Now when someone who is twenty something gets diagnosed with a REAL reason for not getting pregnant I can understand why treatment would ensue. But seriously, I found about 6 blogs like this. I want to scream that they have no idea what it's like to try and try and try for years, years people ~ not months. Another young woman who was all of 24 said she was "frustrated after 6 months of ttc so she contacted an RE". Seriously. Oh and her insurance covered treatments, so why not go straight to IVF?

So after all my fury from this settled in I started thinking about all the money spent on fertility treatments and how women like the one's stated above, continue to drive up the costs of treatment. Thinking about all the money we've spent led me to thinking about all the home improvement projects we're still waiting on b/c well, we shelled out over $30K trying to get knocked up. And that my friends led me to the HGTV website. They have this great little area that says: Be on HGTV. Of course, shows like this are never in my neck of the woods but I thought of all of you, my IF buddies who deserve a room or back yard makeover much more than half the yahoos that wind up on these shows. Might be worth a minute or two to see if they will be in your area.
http://www.hgtv.com/on-tv/be-on-hgtv/index.html

A Sad Day

2010-05-22T09:43:00.000-05:00

Today was my due date for our twins. Not that we probably would have made it to 40 weeks with 2 babies but this was our day and I am sad. Sad for what could have been. Sad for what wasn't meant to be. Just sad and I can't keep the tears from rolling down my face. And I'm scared. Scared of what the future may hold for us. Our chance for miscarriage with this baby is less than 10% but that doesn't take the fear out my heart. It doesn't stop me from questioning every twinge in my abdomen or obsessively examining the toilet paper.

I'm trying to keep myself busy with laundry and dishes and housework but it doesn't stop my heart from aching. It's just a sad day for me. I knew that it would be but I don't think you can prepare yourself for how you are going to cope with a day like today. I'm sure it's easier for some but for me today is taking all of the breath from my chest. I tell myself this time next year we will have a five month old baby and today won't be as hard. Oh how I pray that is how this all turns out.

Much Ado About Nothing

2010-05-18T17:25:00.000-05:00

Just like Claudio and Hero in the Shakespeare play, I am just trying to pass the time. Pass the time until my next doctors appointment which is 15 days away. Praying like a mad woman we will hear a heartbeat and I can put my mind, heart and soul at rest.

I was going to have an appointment on May 17 but it didn't make sense so I changed it. You see, at my 7 week appointment I asked the PA if I could have an ultrasound at my 10 week appointment. She said that no, they wouldn't but they could give me one at 11 weeks because at 11 weeks they would also be able to measure the baby's neck and determine stats for DS. During this time I explained to the PA WHY I wanted the ultrasound at 10 weeks. During the explanation I was crying and re-living the moments when we saw our babies hearts had stopped beating at 12 weeks. She stood her ground and suggested we "compromise" with the 11 week appointment. I reluctantly agreed however, after we got home I started thinking how asinine this was. You see, I am going to be on the Estrace and PIO shots until I am 12 weeks. If I keep with their "standard" protocol I get a pelvic and a chance of hearing the heartbeat at 10 weeks. Then back at 12 weeks for an ultrasound and graduation to the OB. If I went with the ding-a-ling's "compromise" I would have had a pelvic on Monday (8w1d), with no chance of hearing the heartbeat, back for an 11 week ultrasound followed by another appointment the next week for graduation. We decided Scenario #1 sounded much better so I called and changed my appointment. This is the kind of stuff that kills me about my clinic. Doesn't anyone read patients files anymore?? I will be so glad if / when we are done with these yahoos.

On the symptoms front my boobs started to get sore on Friday. They are getting bigger which makes J very happy (I'm a small B so I can't blame the guy) however, they are currently off limits. My clinic didn't say we couldn't have sex but they didn't say we could. So we made the decision we weren't going to have sex until we hear the heartbeat on June 3. And let me tell you this no sex thing is getting harder because I have sex dreams about every other night. And vivid ones at that! Why 10 weeks you ask? Well, my IRL friend who is currently 20 weeks pregnant after IVF #6 was told no sex until she was 9 weeks. I figure it worked for her and if we're waiting 9 weeks, why not wait one more? Then we can really celebrate for another milestone appointment down. Sorry if that's TMI :)

So that's all folks. There are a lot of bloggers cycling right now and it has been both heart warming and heart wrenching to be along for your journey's. Please know I am praying for each of you and holding onto hope that all things baby are in your future!

One Pea in my Pod

2010-05-11T07:35:00.000-05:00

We had our ultrasound yesterday and it revealed one healthy, growing baby. We are simply thrilled! The baby is measuring one day ahead of schedule and had a heart rate of 144 BPM. There is a small mass next to the baby that the doctor assumes was the other embryo. It seems it implanted and then quit developing. That makes us sad of course, but we have been praying for one healthy baby for so long that we feel as though our prayers were answered.

It feels ironic that for our fresh cycle we transferred one embryo and wound up with two babies. This time we transfer two embryos and we have one baby. Just goes to show you can't control how all this works ~ the body is going to do what it wants to do. I also believe our bodies speak to us. In the beginning I really thought there were two babies and about a week and a half ago I started feeling like there was only one. Crazy.

I go back next week for a pelvic exam and then we can schedule an 11 week ultrasound. Once I "graduate" at 12 weeks I will go back to seeing my regular OBGYN. Oh, how relieved I will feel if we get to that point this time.

On the symptoms front I have been feeling pretty yucky. I'm trying to eat a bunch of small meals throughout the day to keep from feeling nauseous and that definitely helps. Problem is that I look in the cupboards and refrigerator and nothing sounds good. I end up walking away only to walk back and force myself to eat something. And I have found the myth about saltine crackers does work! I went grocery shopping last night after my Child / Infant CPR class and I was ravenous. I came home with so much food! :)

6W 3D

2010-05-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

Today I am 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It still feels weird to say that. I am taking some CPR and First Aid training over the next 3 weeks and was in the class last night with my sister. The instructor is pregnant and then another woman in the class is pregnant. About half way through the class the instructor asked if anyone else in the class was pregnant and I froze. I did nothing. No one else raised their hands and the instructor moved on. Seconds later my sister touched my arm and asked why didn't say anything. I didn't have a response, I just smiled and returned to my book. I don't know why I didn't say anything. I think part of me is so scared that I will go to the u/s next Monday and be devastated that I don't want to jinx myself by telling anyone I'm pregnant.

I'm starting to have more symptoms. At first my only signs were being tired all.the.time and hungry. I think I've Googled early pregnancy symptoms, lack of early pregnancy symptoms, etc. a thousand times. My pants are getting tight so I pulled out the Bella Band on Monday and am much more comfortable. Frequent nausea without vomiting started on Sunday. And I'm incredibly emotional, weepy in fact. Everything makes me cry. My brother sent me an email saying that my mom had spilled the beans about me being pregnant. He said how happy he is for us and really hoped everything would work out this time. I was sobbing and couldn't regain control. I love every symptom and every twinge in my abdomen. The symptoms make this feel real, like I'm really pregnant.

I'm trying to enjoy this time but find myself hating IF even more than I already did. I already felt robbed and now I feel violated on top of that. It's just that the last time I was pregnant I was so blissfully happy and naive that anything could go wrong. Having what they call a "missed miscarriage" has really messed with me mentally. Some friends of ours had a m/c 2 weeks before mine and I remember laying on the floor with J and saying how sad I was for them and that I just couldn't imagine the pain they were feeling. Little did I know...

My hips muscles are incredibly sore and bruised from the PIO shots. J was out of town last week so his mom gave me my shots. On Saturday night my niece and nephew were spending the night with me so I had to explain to them that J's mom was coming over to give me my medicine. They wanted to see the needle, see all the little holes in my hips muscles, ask questions about the ice pack I was holding next to my skin. I told the kids to go watch the movie I had put in for them but they snuck into the room where we were. They stood in the doorway and watched my MIL inject the needle. While she's pushing the liquid in G asks, Aunt Jenny - doesn't that hurt? and little I says - why is it taking so long? Then later the kids were telling me what they wanted me to name the baby if it was a girl or if it was a boy and how they wanted to hold the baby and give it a bottle. Gosh, I love these kids. I can't wait until I have some of my own.

How It All Started

2010-04-27T16:33:00.000-05:00

One of the blogs I follow recently posted about how she met her husband. I thought that sounded like a good idea so here goes....

Flashback to 1997 ~ I just moved from California back to Iowa. While I always wanted to live in California when I was in high school I had decided it was a lovely place to visit but I didn't want to live there. So back home I went so I could finish college. I was waiting tables to pay my way through school and met J who was waiting tables to supplement his income because he had just started his own business. I will never forget the first time I saw him ~ it was my first day at this fine dining steakhouse and he was polishing wine glasses. He was so cute and I was immediately in love. I was working there full time but he was only there 2 nights a week so I didn't see him much. We went out a few times and I really liked him but I got freaked out and wouldn't return his calls. (Very bad period in my life that would take me hours to explain in a post.) So the next time we worked together he found me afterwards and said he liked me and if I ever changed my mind about wanting a relationship with him that all I had to do was call. How sweet is that?! A few months later I decided to move to Florida for a job opportunity. J came to my going away party and all I could think about was how I was probably making the biggest mistake of my life.

I really loved Florida and made some incredible friends while I was there. One day my friend Penny and I went to the beach to soak up some sun. After too much sun we headed to the bar for Rum Runners. Sun and alcohol are not a good combination! A couple hours later I am pouring my heart out to Penny and telling her that I was still strung out over J and always wondered about what could have been. I went to the bathroom only to come back and find her on the phone with him! We laughed and made plans to get together when I was going to be home for Easter. So we went out a few times when I was home and then I got freaked out again and didn't call him. I know you guys have to think I'm crazy now and I really was crazy at this point in my life. :)

So my SIL gets pregnant again and even more chaos enters my life so I decide to move back home. I bought my house in September of 2000 and waited until December 23, 2001 to contact J. I decided to send him a Christmas card. Living alone with my dog Sunny my parents would stop by my house all the time and they even had a key. So on December 24 they stopped by with some cookies and got the mail out of the box and brought it into the house. My mom, being the nosey one she is, looked through the mail and found a card from J. She called me at work to tell me. You see, my mom was in love with J even before I was ~ she always said she thought he was the one. I was going to a holiday party that night with some friends. I was at the party but J was all I could think about so I made my way back to one of the bedrooms and called him. We talked for over an hour and made plans to see each other on the 26th. We saw each other for a couple of hours that night and then he was leaving to go out of town for a few days. He said he would call when he was back in town. Instead he showed up at my work on January 5 and we made plans to go out for dinner and to a college basketball game on the 7th. I sold my house in August and moved in with J to our little acreage in the country. On December 24th, 2003 J proposed and on September 17th, 2004 we got married at sunset on a cliff overlooking Lake Superior in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Our first vacation together was to the UP and it quickly became our most favorite place so it only seemed natural that we get married there. 27 members of our family and closest friends joined us for an intimate wedding. We spent a week at a resort on the water and still fondly look back at our wedding week as one of the best times we've ever had. Our friends say the same, which makes us cherish the memories even more.

So that's our story. Every day that passes I only love him more. He's everything I ever wanted and everything I need. Maybe I will post about the proposal next!

Beta #2

2010-04-21T18:38:00.000-05:00

Whew, I can breathe again. I don't know why I was so nervous for the results today but I was. I went to the clinic bright and early for my blood draw at 8:00 am. I bet I called the clinics patient information line 20 times today. Every time I called I got the same recording "you have zero new messages". Then my mom called wanting to know my numbers and I still hadn't heard. An hour after that I called J to see if the nurse had called our house ~ nope. Finally at 2:15 pm I had a message from the nurse.

HcG - 823
TSH - 1.69

The doctor was happy with my TSH so he will not be increasing my daily dosage. Instead I will take 2 extra pills each week. Then in 3 weeks at my ultra sound we will check the levels again.

No major symptoms yet. I am very hungry / thirsty and it feels like someone has my left and right ovaries in a death grip off and on throughout the day. No breast changes yet. Last time my breasts were the first thing to change so this is definitely different and I need this pregnancy to be different. I need a better outcome this time around. I'm scared. Friends, I am deathly scared to be honest. I'm trying to keep positive and focused. I'm trying to do everything "better" this time around. It's crazy because when we were in this cycle I wouldn't even let my mind think I wouldn't get pregnant. Every conversation J and I had was "when" I get pregnant. And now I am pregnant and I can't keep those dark memories of babies without heartbeats out of my mind. I felt like I was doing such a good job with letting go and moving forward and now I am back peddling. I hate to even write this in fear of hurting someones feelings or making someone think I am not eternally grateful for this chance. I know how lucky I am, I do. And I am excited. I'm just excited and scared.

Beta #1

2010-04-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

Just got off the phone with nurse Jan.

HcG - 341
They want the number to be over 50. Last time my HcG was 417 so I can't help but wonder if there are two babies?? I go back for another level check on Wednesday morning. HcG will need to double. They will also check my TSH for my thyroid on Wednesday too.

Progesterone - 16.2
Tonight I will increase my PIO to 1.5 ML. She said that they want the number over 15 and if I was any other pregnant woman they wouldn't have me do anything. But because I am an IVF patient they want to be extra cautious. I was concerned when I first heard this number because my progesterone was 74 with my fresh cycle. She said that your progesterone levels will be very different depending on if you had a fresh or frozen cycle because of how they manipulate your body.

Conception date is considered April 4.
My first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, May 10.
I will take the Estrace and PIO until June 13.
Due date is December 26!

I feel overjoyed with happiness right now! Come on Wednesday!

Hope Floats

2010-04-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

I had to meet with a client in Chicago on Friday so J came with me and we decided to make a weekend of it. We traveled in on Thursday night and I was done with my business by 11:30 on Friday so we just took the rest of the day to wander around, went to Harry Carey's for lunch and then back to the hotel for a much coveted nap! On Friday night we went to a hysterical comedy show called "Bye, Bye Liver" at The Pub Theatre. It's in Lincoln Park so we had to cab it to get there from downtown but it was so worth it. We laughed till it hurt the entire hour and 25 minutes. Then yesterday we went out for a big breakfast and then to the Science and Industry Museum. The museum is ginormus and has so much to see that after 5 hours we still hadn't toured all the exhibits.

Now rewind to earlier this week ~ After my weekend of resting I went into Monday feeling great. I started to have some twinges on both my left and right sides early in the evening. Later that night J and I were watching TV when I looked at him and said I'm pregnant. Half shocked he said, did you already POAS? I told him that no, I hadn't but I had a pretty good feeling that the FET worked. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much the same with some twinges off and on. Then Thursday rolled around and I had appointments most of the day but still managed to make my way to Target to buy some HPT's. I wasn't even home an hour before I couldn't take it anymore and decided to go ahead and POAS....and got a BFP! I was shaking and crying and went running into J's office and told him I was pregnant. He smiled and said, but you already knew you were pregnant. I replied that a woman can think all sorts of things until she sees that second pink line. Once you see, or don't see that line, everything can change.

Tomorrow is beta day and I'm a little nervous. My blood draw will be around 10:30 am and I probably won't know the results until 3 or 4 pm. At my clinic I call a patient information line, enter my patient ID # and then there will be a message from a nurse giving me her direct line to call for my test results. So today I am 4 weeks and 0 days pregnant :) Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you for your supportive comments, prayers and good vibes. We are trying to being cautiously optimistic but still over the moon with joy.

PUPO

2010-04-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

I am officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! I woke up yesterday morning at 5 am feeling very nervous but just kept telling myself everything would be okay. So I busied myself in the kitchen, which is what I do best. I made 2 quiches, 2 loaves of banana nut bread and a lasagna. The lasagna was for dinner last night so that all J would have to do is pop it in the oven.

We arrived for the acupuncture appointment at 11 am and as usual, D was amazing. She needled me with a few extra calming points and I think that really helped. When it was time to leave she gave me a big hug and said just focus on my motivation, be mindful and at peace. And I was. The drive to the clinic is only about 5 minutes so we were actually a little early. As we were sitting in the waiting room we met an anxious DH. His wife was having her first retrieval. We talked to him candidly about cycles for about 10 minutes before we were called back. We all wished each other good luck and waved goodbye.

Everything moved quickly and was on schedule. At 12:30 the embryologist showed us 2 pictures of our beautiful blasts and informed us they made it through the thaw process perfectly and we still have 1 frozen. My eyes welled up with tears. J got out the camera and took a picture of me holding up 2 fingers.

At 12:35 Dr D and Dr M arrived for the transfer. We went through all the formalities, they looked at our embies and said they looked great. Legs went up and everything was underway. They did a mock transfer first while Dr D held the u/s on my stomach to show my bladder. I have a tipped uterus so they actually put it through twice to make sure they had perfect placement.

They loaded both embies at at 12:45 we watched little shooting stars travel into their new home. The nurse wiped the goo off my stomach, the docs were shaking our hands and wishing us good luck when we heard a knock from the embryologist. One of the embryos got stuck in the catheter! So they un-wrapped me from the blankets, placed new goo on my stomach and started to prep again. The embryologist was keeping our baby warm while the staff got me ready for another transfer. This time our little stinker went in with ease at 12:50.

As Dr D was getting ready for the second transfer he mentioned how sorry he was for our previous loss. He also said, I've rarely seen lightning strike twice. Referring back to us only transferring one embryo with our fresh cycle and winding up with identical twins. It was comforting that he said this because J and I were talking about it just before the Docs arrived. Saying how we didn't want the 2 embies to turn into 4 babies. I actually had a brief moment of, what have I done? Maybe we should have only transferred one!? So I was thankful for Dr D's comment.

After the transfer we went back for another acupuncture treatment and then to get a sandwich, neither one of us had lunch and it was 3:30. We were back home by 4:30 and I was horizontal by 4:45. So now I am just taking it easy for the weekend and will be doing a lot of resting. And hoping our embies have snuggled in tight for a nine month journey.

Check this out: http://www.ivf.ca/duedate.php

Distracted

2010-04-07T17:24:00.000-05:00

Very distracted today ladies. Trying to keep my mind on work has been a difficult task. My day started at 3:30 am when I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. I laid there with my mind spinning out of control, sending up prayers for our FET and trying to will myself back to slumber before I finally gave in and got out of bed at 4:30.

We found out today that we report to the clinic at 12 pm for the transfer. I will go for an acupuncture appointment at 11 am and then again after my babies are snuggled in. My mom and I are scheduled for massages and pedicures at 4:45 tomorrow night. I am looking forward to both the relaxation and the time with my mom.

I had forgotten how stiff I was when I started the PIO shots last time but it's all coming back to me now! J shoots me up every night at 9 pm. Getting up at 3:30 this morning is going to make it hard for me to stay awake that long tonight.

I feel like I have had a lot of God Winks over the last couple of months and I'm holding onto hope that I'm right and this will be it for us. J and I were talking about the FET stats the other day and he said he wouldn't be surprised if we have to go through another fresh cycle. I could have knocked him dead with the glare I shot his way. I told him we have to keep positive and focus on our hearts desires. He just shakes his head when I get all goofy like that and says he has to keep me realistic. I told him that he better think positive because another fresh cycle will cost another $5K. Hopefully he's being more positive now :)

So thanks to each of you for being my cheerleaders. Your positive comments and encouragement keep the hope in my heart. Fingers and toes are crossed that I will be posting on Saturday that we were able to transfer 2 snow babies!

Where am I?

2010-04-02T15:55:00.000-05:00

Life has been absolutely nuts the last two weeks. I have been crazy busy at work and this Estrace is really messing with me. I started to get headaches right away after I started taking it but then they went away and it was more of a dull ache. That changed over this past week to headaches and this deep foggy feeling. So much that this past week I asked two of my clients for appointments next week and then I showed up at their offices this week. How embarrassing! This is so unlike me and I hate it.

I had my u/s this morning and was nervous that something was going to be wrong. I haven't had any reason to think that, just a thought that raced through my mind as I was getting ready this morning. The u/s tech was not one that I have had before and she was really great. Very happy and encouraging. She said my lining was "beautiful" and that there were no signs of scaring from the D&C. They like anything over 6mm and mine was 9mm. She said my ovaries were "sleeping" just as they should be and that we were good to go for the transfer one week from today! She even grabbed my hand and told me good luck, that she would be rooting for me.

Nurse Vicki came to get me for a vitals check and as we were walking we saw a little girl around 3 yrs. old clinging to her mothers leg. Vicki touched my arm and said, that will be you next ~ it's your turn. I almost started crying.

Vicki explained I will start the PIO shots this Sunday and to stay on the Estrace 3x per day. I will continue both until the pregnancy test. If the test is positive I will remain on both the PIO shots and the Estrace until 12 weeks. I asked if it would be the same doc as last time and as it turns out, it won't be. Our attending RE will be Dr. D and he used to practice with my FIL. Dr. D was in a CME class with my FIL last summer, just before our first transfer. After the CME class he looked through all my labs and provided us with some good insight regarding our situation. I explained this to Vicki and she said it was an omen. As we were walking out Vicki grabbed me for a big hug. Where am I? is what I was thinking as I was walking out of the clinic. Who were these people? Did I make a wrong turn in the hospital somewhere? Everyone I encountered today was so thoughtful and kind. I couldn't believe this was the same clinic I was dreading coming to this morning. Not that my clinic is bad, it's just that I've never left an appointment like this feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It was a nice change of pace and a nice way to end my crazy week.

I'm very excited for next week and keep telling myself that whatever will be, will be. I am trying to keep those little voices who whisper "what if" at bay. J is being the realistic one. Telling me not to get my hopes up too high, that we are not through the woods yet. I don't blame him for trying to keep my feet on the ground b/c he's the one who has to pick up all the pieces when I fall apart. Only two more hurdles to jump through for now: the thaw and the 2ww.

What if I'm Pregnant?

2010-03-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

My parents are going to put their home for sale so I was at their house this weekend helping them organize their storage room. My mother is a total pack rat and kept every report card I ever received, every newspaper I was ever in, every program for the school performances, etc. She had four children so you can imagine the undertaking this was. A few years ago my mom showed me some of the baby clothes that I had worn. At the time I remembered thinking that surely I would put our baby in those same clothes soon and how cute that would be.

My parents next door neighbor is a girl I went to high school with. She was a year older than me. She has lived next to them for about 10 years now and if we both happen to be outside we will chat or say hello to each other. One day last October when I was at their house my mom told me that she was pregnant. Her due date was 3 days before mine. At the time I was also pregnant and thought about how we could compare bellies...yeah, we all know how that turned out. Anyway, because I stop by my parents house frequently I knew I had been lucky not to run into her yet. But today was the day that would all come to an end. We were loading my mom's car with boxes to take to Goodwill when she came out of the house in all her pregnant glory. Big, beautiful belly and glowing like the sun. I felt like someone stabbed me in the gut. I turned away and tried to busy myself so I wouldn't have to talk to her. I was fighting back the tears as I watched her drive away.

It's not that I'm not happy for her, I am. But I look at her and think that should be me. My due date was supposed to be my sister's birthday and she will be turning 30 this year. She is going to have a big party and I wonder how I will manage to get myself there in one piece. I think, if I'm pregnant again it probably won't be so bad...and then I think of all the other moments in my life when I have thought I would be pregnant.

"Oh, surely I will be pregnant by then, that's 6 months from now!"

"I don't know if we should plan that kind of a trip, especially if I'm pregnant. There's no way I could go white water rafting!"

"Hmmm, if I get pregnant this month then that will make me 5 months pregnant and it will be dreadfully hot in August. Maybe we should pass on those concert tickets?"

"Wine tasting? No, we can't plan for something like that. That wouldn't be any fun for me if I'm pregnant."

"I wonder if I'm pregnant...I didn't feel well when I woke up this morning, maybe I should POAS to make sure.....I wouldn't want to have wine with dinner tonight if I'm pregnant"

We have planned our lives around the "what if I'm pregnant" for the last 4 years and I wonder when this torment will be over for us. I am praying it will be over soon of course, but what if it's not? J would like to plan a trip to visit our very dear friends who live in Seattle. It would be in September and I've already started saying, "If I'm pregnant I will probably have to get clearance from the doctor to fly so we better not buy the tickets just yet...." Why do we do this to ourselves? Like IF isn't hard enough!

And the Beat Goes On

2010-03-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

CD 1 today. I called the clinic with the start of my period and talked to nurse Becky. She told me to start Estrace 2x per day. I will increase to 3x per day on April 2, start PIO shots on April 4 and transfer day will be April 9th!

While I had Becky on the phone I told her that after having gone through a loss we are apprehensive going into this next transfer. I told her that I had concerns regarding my progesterone levels. Her response was that I was on progesterone until I was 8 weeks but after a loss they increase that to 12 weeks. I corrected her and said I was taken off the progesterone the day of my pregnancy test and was never tested again. Silence. Well, she says, your levels must have been high enough that the doctor didn't think the additional progesterone was needed. So then I confirmed with her that should I have a positive pregnancy test that I would remain on the PIO shots until I was 12 weeks and she said yes.

So then I asked her about my thyroid levels and explained how that all worked out last time. She said if it would make me feel more comfortable they would check my thyroid levels every month. I told her that it would and she said, just remind us after your pregnancy test and we'll get that done for you. Remind you? I don't understand how it has become my responsibility to remind them what they need to do with me but whatever. I got the answers I was looking for and I feel better.

Becky said the clinics success rate for thawing embryos is 70% and we feel pretty good about that too. All 3 of our embryos are at the blastocyst stage and are of great quality so she felt confident we would have 2 embryos to transfer. All we can do is hope and pray.

So that's all for now. It's crazy how I felt like this was so far away and now it's here. We are officially in this cycle and I am so incredibly excited. I can't stop smiling.

Riding the Crazy Train

2010-03-15T17:17:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling very optimistic over the last couple of weeks but yesterday I started to get that old, pit in my stomach feeling again. Strangely enough, I'm not scared or nervous that I won't get pregnant again but rather, petrified that I will. I fear I will get pregnant and that I might miscarry again. With my clinic being a major hospital there is absolutely no individualized care ~ you are a number. If my doctor were to see me in the waiting room he may or may not know I am one of his patients.

I'm not sure if I shared all of this about our last cycle but they checked my progesterone on the day of my pregnancy test, told me it was fine and never tested me again. It was 74.8. I had blood work done at 10 weeks, which they said everything came back normal. I had a D&C at 12 weeks and I asked my doctor what my progesterone levels were at the time of my blood work 2 weeks earlier. She told me it is not their protocol to check progesterone. So they have no idea what my levels were and if I was producing enough on my own to sustain the pregnancy. Not to mention I was pregnant with identical twins sharing a placenta. I feel like they should have been making sure the babies were getting everything they needed since it was such a high risk pregnancy. But they didn't. They just treated us like it was business as usual and pushed us out the door after a check was written. Next please!

Another thing: I am hypothyroid. Once I found out I was pregnant they told me to take 2 extra pills each week but never checked my levels. After my m/c they tested my thyroid and bumped me up 12 mcg. Why wasn't I checked before then? Who's to say that didn't contribute to our babies not making it? There is no way to know if I was actually getting enough to support the pregnancy there either. And since they increased my prescription AFTER my m/c I am inclined to believe my levels were too low.

So I called my regular OBGYN this morning and talked to one of the nurses. I explained about the FET and asked if I do pregnant, would they administer the testing that my clinic doesn't. They won't. So I feel like I'm screwed. I'm putting that politely...I really want to say I'm F**ked but I'm trying to keep it clean. I was crying on the phone with the nurse and she just didn't get it. I feel like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill but I'm just trying to control the things we can control. I even told the nurse today that I didn't care if insurance wouldn't cover it, I just wanted the testing done as an extra precaution. Still no dice.

I can tell I am going to get my period because I can't stop crying about this. I'm not even pregnant and I am already freaking out! What will I be like if our FET actually works? I wish we could switch and go somewhere else but our only other option that is close to home is 2 hours away. Not to mention we paid our clinic $20K in 2009 to help us make a baby. At bare minimum we have to use them for our FET's otherwise we would just be throwing money away. And if we have to do another fresh cycle it will only cost $5K at our clinic b/c of the shared risk program where it would cost $15K at the clinic 2 hours away. We want to have a family but certainly do not want to go broke along the way.

So, that's what's going on with me. Just being paranoid beyond belief and without reason. It's just that I read about all these other clinics out there and they are testing for these things. Why doesn't my clinic do that? My IRL friend who is 10 wks after IVF #5 told me I just need to get pushy and demand more testing from my doctor. Her point, that they have our money, we've paid them for a service and we have the right to be satisfied with the service we are being provided. Sounds good but I'm just not very good at being pushy. I just wish we had a doctor that we felt connected to and could ask for these things and the response would be, Oh yeah sure! We want you to feel comfortable and for healthy babies to be born. No worries!

I'm on the crazy train ladies. I am destined for a mental hospital if I make it out alive, this I am sure of.

Do you Believe in Signs?

2010-03-09T20:16:00.000-06:00

There is a little church that I drive by almost every day. Each day there is a message on a sign outside and I always make sure I read what is says. Here is what today's message was:

This is your time.
This is your chance.

My hands are clasped together and I am on my knees praying like a mad woman. Oh let this be our sign for good things to come!

Do you believe in signs?

A Declaration of Love

2010-03-08T18:25:00.000-06:00

Last week I received an email from my Corporate office congratulating me on being part of the top 6% of the sales executives in the company. I was ecstatic! I am in global sales and there are over 20,000 sales people in the company I work for. The reward is an all expense paid trip for 2 in April. I went right for the company website to find out where and when. April 25 - 29. The trip will be approximately 2 weeks after our FET. I talked to my RE and he said to go on the trip. But I can't go on the trip. I explained to my RE that having a baby means more to me than a free trip. He looked at me like I was crazy. Then the nurse told me I should go on the trip.

I talked to my boss because I was concerned that it would not look "favorable" if I didn't go on the trip. She said there are always some people who cannot attend and not to worry about it. Then I told her about the FET and she said she wouldn't go either. She struggled to have her children and her twin sister had to go through IVF to have her babies so she gets it.

I have to accept or decline the invitation later this week. I figure that if I do get pregnant I will be a train wreck of worry and concern about flying. I won't be drinking and this will be a HUGE party trip. J agrees that we shouldn't go. Part of me wishes we could wait until after the pregnancy test to accept the invitation because if we don't get pregnant I would love to get out of town and whoop it up! But I am trying to remain positive and just believe that we will get pregnant and then I will be glad I didn't accept the invitation.

So as my world continues to turn IF continues to be a total pain in my ass. I wave goodbye to sunshine, warm breezes, white beaches and fruity drinks with umbrellas. We will not feel your embrace again this year because having another chance at our maybe babies is of more value than you.

Please Lord, let this be our time...take this as our declaration of love for our children. This will be the first of many sacrifices we will make for our family. Our hearts are overflowing with hope for this next cycle and the hope of our future family. Oh please let this be.

And I Laughed

2010-03-03T17:37:00.000-06:00

I was very nervous yesterday morning as I got ready for my u/s appointment. Nervous and scared because I didn't know if the Radiologist would find something wrong or unusual. Nervous and scared that our FET could potentially be moved yet again. Nervous and scared that I would start crying if I received any bad news. I did start crying but not because of bad news. The u/s tech and my nurse both told me at separate times they were sorry for our loss. I just nodded and thanked them. What else can you do?

As the tech was maneuvering the dildo-cam in my uterus I felt so sad. I laid there remembering the last 2 times I was looking at the screen I was holding J's hand and looking at our little babies. Trying to memorize everything that I saw. No such thing this time, just an empty uterus. The tech did say that everything looked fine and that we had the "thumbs up" for a FET in April. She also mentioned that I had a dominant follicle on my right side that would release soon if we wanted to try on our own. I laughed. I laughed out loud at her. It's amazing to me that on paper and on the u/s screen my body appears to function normally. 4 OBGYN's, 2 Bio-Identical Hormone doctors and 3 RE's later we still have absolutely no reason why we cannot reproduce. My charts indicate no abnormalities, no reason why we cannot have babies. Why shouldn't we try on our own? Well, trying on our own doesn't work. Silly lady. Then we went through my paperwork and confirmed we will transfer 2 embryos. Their statistics indicate we have a 67% chance of success by transferring 2 embryos on a frozen cycle. They had given us an 85% chance of success on our fresh cycle.

So now we wait for my March period to arrive and then I will start Estrace. This is going to be a breeze compared to a fresh cycle! I do have to stop myself from turning into Negative Nancy when I start thinking about the thaw process though. The "what if" the embryos don't live through the thaw is more gut wrenching than the "what if" I don't get pregnant.

On the home front our babies room is finished. Sounds crazy to say that with the empty uterus and all but when I was pregnant we started remodeling 2 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. All in preparation for our babies. So now we have a bedroom ready for babies and a bedroom right next door ready for us. We are ready and now we wait....wait for the kind man in the green scrubs to get me pregnant again.

There is still hope in my heart.

Now I Know

2010-02-19T17:02:00.000-06:00

I decided to meet my friend (the one I posted about previously) at Panera last Saturday. I arrive and see she has her 4 year old daughter with her. Uh, weird. Not that I really minded, she's a very well behaved child but come on. I haven't seen you in almost 2 years. I haven't talked to you, really talked to you, in almost 3 years. In the past V and I have always been able to hook up and all time that has passed between us is forgotten. We pick up where we left off and it's like we are 18 years old again ~ giggling and talking about the good 'ol days. Not so much this time. Our conversation was how's work, how are your parents, husband's parents, etc. We can talk about our families for hours because we have been friends for so long and her husband is best friends with my brother so there is a lot of history there, but it was all forced. Then about 30 minutes into our time together she starts telling me about her SIL's baby shower that she planned. Her SIL whom I know very well because I used to BABYSIT HER. Unbelievable. I was fighting back tears. I couldn't believe this woman whom I have loved and shared so much with could be this cruel to me. Then she kept going on and on about the decorations and the food and how cute everything was. Then her daughter started chiming in. I couldn't catch my breath. I interrupted her and changed the subject. Completely cut her off. She still didn't get it. She looks at me and asks why I am drinking tea and not coffee. I do not drink caffeine at all. I haven't for 15 years ~ she knows this! I simply said I wasn't drinking any caffeine or alcohol. Oh, are you trying again? No, just a decision I've made. Then she proceeds to go on and on about how when she was "trying" she gave up alcohol and that wasn't hard but going without the caffeine was awful...By now we have been together for all of 45 minutes and she looks at her watch and says they need to go because she made hair cuts appointments for her and her daughter. You reached out to me and asked to get together. Are you freaking kidding me? Then while we are walking out she says, we should really get together again for margaritas with your mom and sister and SIL's. Remember when we did that last time? That was so much fun! Me: Yeah, it was. Was she not listening? I'm not drinking alcohol. Why would I want to get together for margaritas?

So while I was thoroughly disappointed in my time with her I guess now I know. Now I know we can no longer pick up where we left off. There is no going back in time. Now I know where she stands in my life and I in hers and I'm okay with that. Normally after I see an old friend or meet up with someone for lunch I always send an email to say how great it was to see them. We took time out of our busy lives to catch up and I think that should be acknowledged. Neither one of us did this.

On the IF front my period started today so I called the clinic and scheduled my mid-cycle ultrasound for March 2. If the u/s comes back clear then I will call the clinic with the first day of my March cycle to get the ball rolling for our FET. My first cycle after my m/c was 35 days. This past cycle was 30 days. Because there has been no rhyme or reason we can only tentatively schedule the FET for April 15. Have I ever mentioned J is a CPA? April 15 is the deadline for taxes ~ J's biggest day of the year. I had to laugh. I will be on Estrace 2x per day to start and eventually will be increased to 3x per day. PIO shots will start 5 days before transfer and will continue through to the pregnancy test. I feel happy about this. I am smiling. J will turn 42 next week and we are celebrating with friends tomorrow night. Right now, in this moment, I have hope in my heart and it feels good.

Judgement Day

2010-02-10T16:44:00.000-06:00

While I am not "proud" of having to resort to fertility treatments to conceive our family, I am certainly not embarrassed about it. Recently I was talking to a colleague about acupuncture. This woman was curious about acupuncture treatment and asked why I started going. I casually said that my husband and I were going through IVF and research has shown a significant increase in success rates with patients who have regular acupuncture treatments. I know my answer shocked her, it was not what she was expecting however, as I said, I am not embarrassed. After all, shouldn't this proclaim to the world how terribly we want to have a family? That we would go through anything to be parents? After this conversation I thought about how judgmental people are regarding fertility treatments. How someone who has the ability to conceive children on their own can question why someone who cannot, would go through what we do, to have a baby. Not to mention the idiots out there who say, "If God wanted you to have children..." you know the rest and we all know the Big Man Upstairs doesn't work like that.

At my class reunion a woman was talking about how she had twin boys. While telling the story she felt the need to interject, "It was completely natural! We didn't take any drugs!". Why did she want to make sure everyone knew she didn't need assistance to conceive her children? If the roles were reversed I probably would have said, "We loved these babies even before they were ours and we moved heaven and earth to get them here."

Another instance I encountered was when I was speaking to the CEO of an account that I call on. He was talking about his twin granddaughters and felt the need to add into our conversation that the babies were not conceived via IVF. He has actually told me this on more than one occasion when I have met with him and comment on the little girls smiling from the picture frames.

Now I would be deceiving myself if I said whenever I see twins that I don't wonder if ART played a role in their conception ~ and it is probably worse now that I have conceived twins myself via IVF ~ but it's more because I look at the woman and wonder if she is a fellow sister who has managed to succeed and kick IF right in the butt! I want to look at this Mamma who has a baby on each arm and ask about her struggle. I want to tell her she gives me strength to keep forging ahead and believing that medical intervention can in fact, make a baby for us.

If I am so blessed as to conceive again and give birth to a baby, I will proudly tell anyone what we went through to complete our family. There is no reason for me to be embarrassed or ashamed of the depths of our love to complete our family. And on Judgement Day when the Lord asks what I did with my life I will start by saying, "As you know, 4 years were spent trying to have a baby...." :)

Less than Strangers

2010-02-07T06:16:00.000-06:00

About a month ago I came across some Miracle Grow in our garage and thought I should put some on my house plants. We went 18 days without sunshine here in the Midwest and it sounded like a good idea at the time. About a week later all the plants looked awful and some even died. I was at the drugstore on Friday afternoon and there was a table with plants on it. I picked out 4 plants and proceeded to the check out. The checker, whom was about 70, was chatting about how the plants just came in that day, blah, blah, blah. Then she handed me the plants and said, "now go home and take good care of your babies". I walked to my car in a daze, thinking how this woman, who is less than a stranger to me, could turn my world upside down with her little comment. A comment that wouldn't mean anything to most women, but to me, a lonely infertile with baby OCD, couldn't stop thinking about what she had said. Lately it seems these small comments that people make are really affecting me. Bringing me down and I hate that.

Because I am so down and out lately I don't feel like I am always making rational decisions. I am faced with a situation I need some advice for. A girlfriend of mine emailed me earlier this week about wanting to get together. I have posted about this same girlfriend before. She has pretty much abandon me over the last 3 years. She has two beautiful children and they consume her time ~ naturally. I wish I had two children to consume my time too! Anyway, I had emailed her after our 3rd IUI failed and she never responded. Nothing. Crickets. So when we went through IVF last year and got pregnant I never told her. She was not a part of our struggle, why should she be a part of our joy? Well, she did find out we were pregnant through my SIL's FB page and we made plans to get together. Ironically enough the week we were supposed to get together was the same week we lost our babies. I emailed her what had happened and she called to say how sorry she was. Now we are making plans to get together again next week and I want to back out. This woman was my best friend from age 13 until about 30 and I have shared so much with her. But now she is less than a stranger to me too. I feel closer to the plant lady than I do to my former best friend. I know when we get together she is going to ask me questions and I'm not sure I want to share the past 3 years with her. So I pose the question to you my bloggy friends, what should I do? Fess up and tell her how much she hurt me or just let it go and move on? She's making an effort and I want to recognize that but she left me when I needed her most and I have a hard time forgetting that.

Trying to find Perspective

2010-02-03T17:40:00.001-06:00

That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. Trying to find perspective. Trying to re-focus my attention and find the positive things in my life. Remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for (and I really do!) Then, just when I feel like I'm doing pretty good something always comes up and bites me in the ass.

I went to my nephew's first birthday party that was at Chuck E Cheese's. Never been there? Well, it should have a sign on the door that reads "Infertiles: Proceed with Caution". Having 9 nieces and nephews we have celebrated many birthdays at Chucky's but this one was the worst. The whole time I kept thinking to myself that I should be pregnant right now. I should be holding my nieces hands against my belly and letting her feel the babies kick. But instead I sat in a booth with my piece of pizza, trying to fight back the tears. After these two hours of torture I had to stop by my parents house to pick a few things up. My brother was there with 2 of his 3 kids. We started talking about work, and how I have a home office. I was saying that while working from home does have its benefits, it is very hard to "turn it off". Work is always there, you don't get the option of walking away and calling it quits for the night. My brother responded with, well, it's just you and J, what else do you have to do? Yeah, um, thanks. Jerk. I expect insensitive comments from strangers, not from my family who knows what we are struggling with. I kissed his girls goodbye and quickly left. Then I went to my aunts mothers house. She's 90 years old and a very dear woman to me but she has no idea what we have been going through the last 2 years with fertility treatments. While I was there she told me about how she was going to be a great grandmother again. So and so's girlfriend was pregnant again (they just had a baby 11 months ago) and that's when I lost it. Just starting sobbing. Right there in her living room. I apologized and said I was just having a bad day.

Went to work at an office in one of the area's I represent and had to listen to two women talk about their babies all day. One woman was pregnant 2 months after she got married and the other one went off the BCP's and was pregnant 3 months later. They talked all morning about the cute baby clothes on sale at Carter's and all the developments their babies were making. I swear if I hear "when I was on maternity leave..." one more time I may just scream. I just sat there and thought about how far removed I am from being a part of the mommy club.

Got an email from a friend who just had another baby. I didn't respond and simply deleted the email. I didn't even know she was pregnant again, their other child is only a year and a half old. I know that sounds really mean but she's not that good of a friend. I mean, I didn't even know she was pregnant. One of those people you run into at the grocery store, chat with for two minutes and then move on to the produce aisle, never giving another thought to the conversation you just had.

Before I started this blog I wrote in a journal about all of our IUI's and quit writing in it while we were waiting for our IVF paperwork to be processed. I found it yesterday in a desk drawer and re-read all of my entries. I cried as I read it. It felt like all of that happened so long ago....I re-read my words saying: it's official, we will not be having a baby in 2008. Then many entries later, another one: it's official we will not be having a baby in 2009. And then I flash back to just a few weeks ago when I found out that our FET would be pushed into April. I had looked at J and said: that does it ~ it's official, we will not be having a baby in 2010. Here I have been trying to find perspective. How's that for perspective?

Top Ten Things I Hate About Infertility

2010-01-18T18:04:00.000-06:00

While I could certainly list waaayyy more than ten things I hate about IF, I decided I would create my top ten list. Don't ask me why ~ it came to me as I was crying in the shower today. These are not in any order, just listed the way they arrived in my mind.

Top Ten Things I Hate About Infertility

1) The way it has made me dread certain holidays: Christmas, New Year's Day, Mother's Day, Easter, My birthday (it's considered a holiday by the company I work for so I have adopted that policy!) 4th of July, Thanksgiving....yeah pretty much all of them.

2) Having to pay oodles and oodles of money to have something that a great portion of the population doesn't deserve to have. I am referencing the women having children when they live on welfare and can't afford proper health care, the women abusing drugs while pregnant or exposing un-born children to HIV, the thousands of women having abortions each year, the women who just don't care about their child's education or what kind of person they are raising to be in such an incredulous world....I feel a rant coming on, I better stop.

3) Not being able to make love with my husband to create our family. Our love making revolves around the right day and time or 3 days before a sample is needed at the clinic. Spontaneity and care free desires are put on a schedule to increase maximum sperm counts and cervical mucus.

4) The 15 pounds I have gained from fertility drugs and the depression caused by years of ttc. Not having the energy to get off my bum and work out ~ a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce is much more appealing.

5) The sense of hopelessness that fills my heart most days of every week. The aching, gnawing feeling that the one thing I have always wanted most in my life is out of my reach. Knowing that I have absolutely no control over this "situation" that consumes me on a daily basis.

6) Being jealous and/or envious of people with children. Longing to have what they have. Seeing women in the grocery store with 3 children and asking God why he gave her 3 when I've only asked for one.

7) My vision: I stare at pregnant women's bellies ~ I try to look somewhere else but my eyes always go back to where the amazing life is growing inside. The way I look for couples who appear to be around our age to see if they have a family. The way my eyes are always scanning the crowds to avoid running into someone I know who has children on one of my "bad days". The way my eyes well with tears when I am alone and driving, dreaming of our maybe babies.

8) I cry at songs that have the word baby in them. 99% of the songs I take the word baby out of context and put it into my own personal, sad meaning. One since my m/c is the one with the verse "I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time" or Sweet, Sweet Baby by Michelle Featherstone. I weep when I hear that one and replace baby with babies.

9) The way it has wedged a wall between myself and my friends with children. I've lost many friendships because I am not part of the mommy club or because I just couldn't bear to expose myself to another GNO where the conversation would revolve around their children.

10) The innocence and naivety it has robbed me of. I wish I didn't know more about the female reproductive system than my 8th grade health teacher. I wish I didn't know how high my husbands sperm counts are and how they compare to the national average. I wish I didn't know the difference between a Sub Q and IM injection and how the drugs I am exposing myself to may or may not, engulf my body with some kind of cancer years from now.

Well, there's my top ten. What do you hate most about IF?

I really didn't think I could be pregnant, did I?

2010-01-15T17:13:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I kind of did. But I'm not. Why do I put myself through this crap? Only to feel defeated and miserable when the HPT flashes Not Pregnant in big bold letters. Laughing at me as if to say, who are you kidding? You never once got knocked up in 13 years of not using birth control. One month of timed intercourse was not going to produce a baby. ha,ha,ha,ha ~ the joke was on me. But secretly I was hoping and praying it would.

I called my clinic to make sure I was on their radar for a FET after this next period. Oh, no one told you? March 5 ends that "up time" the next "up time" won't start until April 5....call us with your February period for a mid-cycle u/s and we'll go from there. Soooo incredibly disappointing. The only thing that has been keeping me sane is feeling like our FET was within reach. Not so much anymore. And J's response? Well, this will give you plenty of time to get your body back into shape. Not what I wanted to hear, dear husband. What did I want to hear? I don't even know. But I'm sick of hearing him say, there's no point in getting upset because you can't change it...at least he didn't say that again.

I'm back to my acupuncture treatments after a month-long hiatus. I'm back into my vitamin supplements: chelated minerals in the AM and EFA, Royal Jelly and Selenium in the PM. I also started to put wheat grass in with my raw vegetable juice. I did drink pure pineapple juice after my transfer to help with implantation. Acupuncture, wheat grass, vitamin supplements, pineapple juice ~ all these remedies and no babies. What's wrong with this picture? I recently read that pumpkin soup is a great fertility aid when going through treatments. Guess I'll be adding that in next. I feel like a dog chasing it's tale.

Confessions

2010-01-09T14:57:00.000-06:00

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of being a mother. I used to put pillows in my shirt and pretend I was pregnant when the neighbor girls and I played house. I still have this little book that I wrote in and at 10 years old I declared that I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. I excelled with my grades in high school but I really didn't care too much about going to college or the scholarship offers I received ~ I just wanted to get married and have babies. But somehow I always knew it wasn't going to be easy for me. It's strange but somehow I just knew. One of my best friends got pregnant our senior year in high school and after her baby was born I remember holding him and wishing he was mine.

I met someone when I was a freshmen in college and at the age of 19 got married after knowing this person for 10 months. I felt like my life was going along the path I had always dreamed of. I went off the BCP's and watched my sister, who was in high school, get pregnant and then terminate her pregnancy. I watched SIL #1 have two babies. I watched my close friends start having children with ease. My then husband became very abusive and after 4 years of torment I finally obtained a restraining order and filed for divorce. After the divorce I was so relieved that we never had children.

J and I married in 2004 and I knew this was the person I was always meant to be with. I was in a very high stress job with ridiculous hours and after our one year anniversary I left this job in hopes of finding something that would be more family friendly. I blamed our lack of babies on the job. I found a new job and prayed every night I would get pregnant. Instead, my sister got pregnant again. After G was born I religiously began using OPK's each month and nothing happened. SIL #2 got pregnant. I started questioning my fertility and spoke to my OBGYN. Went through my first HSG and he told me everything was fine, that I just needed to relax. While we continued ttc and my sister has baby #2 and SIL #2 has another baby. My best friend had her second child without even trying.

I changed positions within the company I worked for and thought that this was our answer. I loved my job and was completely content with how things were going. Surely I would get pregnant now. I started using positive thinking techniques and imaging myself pregnant. I started buying maternity clothes that I found on sale. My sister gave us her bassinet, they were done having children ~ 2 was enough. I bought baby clothes. I bought a stroller I found on sale. My grandfather passed away and my sister told me that when God takes a life away he always replaces it with another, my time was coming. One month later my sister announced her 3rd pregnancy and I gave her the bassinet back.

There is a room in our house with a dresser full of maternity clothes. There is another dresser full of baby clothes. A book shelf full of children's books. A closet with receiving blankets and baby washcloths. A baby swing and stroller. I have struggled going into this room after losing the babies and as hard as I try to be positive I can't help but wonder if I will ever see our baby wearing those clothes. Will I ever see J rocking our baby to sleep? I wonder if I will have to empty this room someday and sell everything on E.b.ay.

Yesterday I went to Ta.r.get and was looking at the clothes in the ladies section. Soon I found myself in the maternity section. I couldn't help myself, I was looking at the racks ~ all 75% off. The shirts were long sleeved and if I get pregnant again I will surely need some long sleeved shirts. I picked one out and put it in the cart. I found a checkout aisle and glanced at the checker. She was the same checker I had when I bought the HPT's that revealed my first ever BFP. When she scanned the HPT she had looked at me and said "good luck". Now I was standing in her check out lane again, this time with a maternity shirt and no baby in my uterus. Surely she wouldn't say anything....She asked if I was pregnant. I said I was and swiped my card, avoiding all eye contact. I really don't know why I said that I was pregnant ~ it just came out. Then my receipt starts to print with coupons. She smiles and says, the register must know your going to have a baby. Look at all these baby coupons it just gave you! In all my purchases of maternity clothes at Ta.r.get I have never been given baby coupons. Oh Lord, please let that register giving me coupons be an omen that a baby is on the way for us. I try to be strong and know I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet but somedays I don't know how much more I can take.

I went to my moms house afterwards and walked in the door to hear her talking on the phone. She says, well if she has a boy we'll be prepared. Are you freaking kidding me? One of my cousins must be pregnant again. She walks around the corner and sees me, oh hi honey, your sister and I were just talking about you! We bought you some baby clothes today.....

Back in the Saddle

2010-01-07T17:56:00.000-06:00

It's been very hard to keep focused at work this week. Having the last two weeks off was wonderful and relaxing and I didn't want it to end. I felt so connected with myself and my emotions. When this past Sunday rolled around I was so sad about going back to work~ knowing that I was going back into the ridiculous world of pathetic YE statements and lousy production numbers.

Crazy thing is that I have never taken 2 weeks off at one given time before. However, the company I work for changed our PTO guidelines in 2009 (another part of the re-org) that we now have to take all of our earned PTO in the year we earn it. We used to be able to bank our time off, which was awesome! I of course, always tried to bank my time to pair up with maternity leave. So over the three previous years I was able to bank 14 days. They aren't making us use the time we had banked before 2009, which I am grateful for. So when that maternity leave finally comes my way I'll be able to add two weeks paid onto that. Crossing my fingers that will happen in 2010....I guess my point to all that was I had to take the time off or I would lose it and I am so glad I was able to take the time off.

So I am back in the saddle and it hasn't been all that bad, except for my extreme lack of focus. I have spent the last 4 days in my home office, which I usually only get 2 days at home, so that has been a bonus. However, I have spent a lot of time on the Internet. I surf blogs to try and find successful FET stories to build myself back up...to keep this hopeful feeling in my heart. To try and keep my mind off of the low stats of a FET actually producing a BFP.

A fellow Colleague of mine who also suffers from IF once told me that after a failed cycle she found her mother in her bedroom sobbing. She approached her mother and asked what was wrong. She responded that her failed cycle didn't only hurt her, the failed cycle hurt everyone who went through that cycle with her. That is how I feel about blogging. Reading of someone else who is struggling tears me up. When I read the story of a BFP but then look at the 4 IVF's she went through before that, I'm no longer jealous. Instead my heart sighs in relief that her struggle is finally over. That woman's success gives me courage to keep forging ahead, that my time must be drawing near. So not only am I back in the saddle with work, I am back in with preparing for our FET. If my next period comes on time I will have a mid-cycle u/s the first week in February. If the u/s shows my uterus is looking good (it needs to build back up after a D&C) then we get the green light. I figure that puts us somewhere in the first two weeks in March for a transfer and that is only 7 to 8 weeks away! Now that is a lot of "if's" but those "if's"are what sustain me right now.

Time Marches On

2010-01-04T19:09:00.001-06:00

J and I celebrated NYE with a wonderful bottle of Sangiovese and our toast was "to a better year ahead". I waved good-bye to 2009 with a smile ~ don't let the door hit you in the ass. And while I welcome 2010 with open arms, it is not starting off well. Here's a brief overview:

1) My car slid down the driveway and hit a tree $1,800 damage.
2) Went to the dentist, I have an an abscessed tooth which will need to be extracted and an implant put in. Estimated cost $2,000.
3) The company I work for is going through a re-org and I just lost my biggest account.
4) Received another bill from my D&C bringing the grand total for out-of-pocket medical costs in 2009 to $24,900.00
5) Tooth extraction will delay the FET ~ could be March or April now because area will need to heal before implant can be put in.

As I was calculating our 2009 medical costs I did a lot of reflecting on the past year. And as many bloggers have done, I thought about the year month-by-month.

January - IUI #3
February - IUI #4, sister has baby #3
March - Start Acupuncture
April - IUI #5
May - IVF Appt, 10 women in my region announce their pregnancies
June - Looking at a new job, decide to stay where I am at
July - Very close friend dies unexpectedly of heart attack at age 37
August - Prep for IVF #1
September - ET, First time I ever saw 2 lines
October - Best birthday present ever, u/s revealed 2 heartbeats
November - Worst day of my life, no heartbeats
December - Waiting for period to start

I know that other meaningful life events had to have transpired in 2009 but honestly, I couldn't tell you what they were. Another year dominated by the trials of trying to have a baby.

It couldn't have been worse ~ there is no doubt about that. That realization will carry me into 2010 with an "attitude of gratitude", despite how the year has started. I am bound and determined to keep my heart full of hope, faith and love. Hope for all my dreams to come true, faith to see me through another year of TTC and love for our maybe babies.

Odds and Ends

2009-12-23T16:17:00.001-06:00

We managed to get our 46 Christmas cards in the mail with time allotted for those that live out of state. J and I rewarded our efforts with dinner at a new Bohemian restaurant after making our drop at the post office. Ever had a potato pancake? Interesting concoction of hashbrowns, sour cream and chives all topped with an apple chutney.

Got a haircut and new color applied yesterday. I decided to go back to more of my natural color, with less highlights, so I won't have to worry about it when I get pregnant again. Yes, I am starting to say that to myself ~ When I get pregnant again ~ I figure a little positive reinforcement can always help. I also purchased a book by Dr. Sami David called "Making Babies ~ A proven 3 month program for maximum fertility". Another grasp at conceiving our miracle and it's a pretty good read so far.

Speaking of which, I was at my sister's house last night and had a grand time with her 3 children. That's one great thing about my relationship with T, her kids are really my kids. Although my 2 brothers also have 3 children each, I am closest to my sisters children. I have taken my infertility out on her many times and she always manages to forgive me ~ God love her. Anyway, I was making my promises of when they can come and spend the night at their favorite Aunties house again when my sweet little 3 year old nephew says, "and when we come over to your house can we see your baby?" Ohhhhhhhh came out both my and T's mouth. Tears sprang to our eyes and I didn't know how to respond other than to make my way towards the door. T did good and said, "yes, you will be seeing Auntie's baby real soon". Tears started to fall even harder after that and I was out the door. How do you explain such a thing to a 3 year old who touched my tummy and told me I was going to have a little girl just a few weeks ago? Puts a lump in my throat just thinking about it all over again.

My period arrived with avengence on Monday morning. I have decided that my poor body has absolutely no idea what it is supposed to be doing and when. I was just ovulating 6 days ago, how in the world could I be having a period? I did have a blood draw on Tuesday which came back "below 2" which I guess means zero. Anything less than 2 is zero in the world of HcG. The nurse did confirm that it was normal for this period to be heavy and abnormal, which it totally is. Now we wait for my January cycle to arrive, have a "mid-cycle" ultrasound and hope for the thumbs up on a February FET.

Not sure what Santa will bring for us this year other than an ice storm scheduled to arrive tomorrow afternoon. It may just be J and I with our dog Sunny for the holiday since both of our families live 30 minutes away. However, I am still holding out hope that Santa got my letter this year. But hey Santa, if your reading, please bring us a baby in 2010 will ya? We're not asking for anything else. Just a baby to love, cherish and adore. And if there is anything we can do for you, please be sure and let us know. We would pretty much do anything you asked of us. Thanks much.

J and I are headed to Chicago the day after Christmas for a little get-away and won't be back until 2010. So I raise my invisible glass to you my bloggy friends, in a toast to the new year. May love fill our hearts with joy, may less tears of sorrow fall and may 2010 make all of our dreams come true. Cheers to you!

Babies Everywhere, Even at the Theatre

2009-12-19T08:07:00.001-06:00

J and I took my parents to dinner and a show at the community theatre last night. I was hoping the "Holiday Spectacular" theme to the musical would lift my spirits about Christmas and get me feeling a little more festive....hmmmmm, not quite. I put careful consideration into picking the show ~ meaning there should have been nothing that would put me in a funk and not enjoy myself. The show started off fine, holiday tunes were putting a smile on my face and my foot was tapping. Then the show brought it a character who was pregnant ~ with twins no less. Are you freaking kidding me?! I swear I cannot go anywhere to get away from all that haunts my mind and memories. From that point on the show took a different turn, for me anyway. I'm sure all the other holiday loving fertiles in the audience thought nothing of this woman being pregnant with twins and giving birth to her identical baby girls on Christmas Eve. There were several points in the show when my eyes were welled with tears and it took everything inside me to fight it off.

As hard as I try to move past my grief it seems I cannot let it go. I fight myself everyday in the battle of "What Happened?" or "Why did this Happen?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why isn't it our turn yet?" And as to be expected, there are no answers.

I have been putting off Christmas cards this year but the clock is running against me and I must get those that are out-of-state in the mail today. It's so depressing to just write both our names on the cards again this year. It's heart wrenching to write on every envelope "The (blank) Family" It's maddening to find something personal to write in the cards when I am feeling so impersonal with everyone around me who has children ~ which is everyone on our Christmas card list.

Doctor Call

2009-12-17T18:41:00.000-06:00

My OB doctor called this morning and we discussed my bloodwork results from last Friday. She said my TSH was .44 which is on the low end of the normal range so she bumped me up to 100 mcg/day. I asked why my HcG is still not zero and she doesn't know. Normally your number will decrease by 1/2 every 2 or 3 days. The week of Thanksgiving I was 34 so realistically, I should be zero by now but she said I could have a hormone in my body that is cross-reactive with the HcG. She said the OB clinic considers anything lower than 6 a negative. Then I asked if what I thought was a period could still be a period even with the HcG and she said yes. That made me happy ~ that is one month closer to our FET. Doc said I should stay on the 100 mcg until I get pregnant again and then make sure I get tested when I'm 6 - 8 weeks. I thought this was interesting b/c they didn't test my thyroid until I was 10 weeks before.

I bought some OPK's a couple of weeks ago and have thought that I would start testing this month and that would be a good indicator if I actually had a period or not. Low and behold this afternoon I started to feel like I could be ovulating. I was going to start testing tomorrow but went ahead and tested tonight and it was positive. I was so shocked! So that could mean I did have a period b/c that would have been 2 weeks ago. J and I have not tried to make a baby the natural way in 13 months. I figure it's worth a shot although 5 years with no contraception has produced zero pregnancies. Nothing like some forced love making to get through the holidays :)
Fa,la,la,la,la la,la,la laaaaaa!

Just Keep Battling

2009-12-14T15:17:00.001-06:00

I had my follow up doctors appointment for the D&C last Friday. The doctor said everything looked good based on my pelvic exam. I got through my list of questions without crying. We asked about the pathology report on the babies and everything came back normal. The fetuses were in tact and there is no reason to believe that anything was wrong with either of them but when they are so little, it's hard to determine. I am trying to take that in a positive light but I really wanted some answers. It's bad enough dealing with Unexplained Infertility and not getting any answers and then I finally get pregnant, lose my babies and there still aren't any answers. I just can't win. Then before we left the doctor said, "I hope you guys will try again. You deserve to be parents". I lost it, the water works started.

That being said after the doctor appointment I had labs for my HcG. Those results came in this morning. The nurse calls and says, "Your pregnancy test came back negative" Really?! I'm shocked! I asked the nurse what my HcG levels were and she said they were 5. I had to explain to her that the IVF clinic won't even talk to me about another cycle until my levels are ZERO. So we scheduled another blood draw for next week. This means I did not have a period last week. This means it could be April before we have another transfer. I had my first IVF appointment last May. I can't freaking believe it. I was already having an incredibly shitty day and an hour before the nurse called I said to J, "My day cannot possibly get any worse...." Oh little did I know. So now I can't stop crying or screaming F**k at the top of my lungs. My dog is starting to look scared, better reel it back in.

When we were leaving the clinic last Friday I was telling J how frustrated I am right now and he said, "We just have to keep battling". So here we are: still battling. The thing is, I don't want to battle anymore. I'm tired of battling ~ I feel weak and defeated. I know in my heart I can't quit. I can't give up on my dream no matter how tired I am. But it hurts to battle so hard for so many years and come up empty handed. But if I'm not ready to give up I guess that means I need to get my dukes up and try to block another punch.

How's Your Pregnancy Going?

2009-12-12T15:22:00.001-06:00

That is what I was greeted with this morning at 7:00 am.

To back up a little bit, today was my volunteer day for Breakfast with Santa. I walk in and am greeted by one of the associates. I have worked with her for 3 years and she knew I was pregnant ~ I personally told her when I was 10 weeks. So we are standing there making small talk ~ Me in my fitted red cashmere sweater and grey pencil skirt. (I hope I am setting the scene here) Anyone who knows me or anyone to whom I was a complete stranger to, would physically be able to see I am not pregnant. Careful thought and consideration went into picking my attire this morning so I would not be faced with conversations like this. Yet for some reason this bitch, yes ~ there I said it ~ who obviously hates me asks, "So how is your pregnancy going?" I couldn't breathe. Tears sprang from my eyes and I said, "I'm not pregnant anymore". She responded, "Don't worry, it will happen." I patted my hand on the counter and said "Yeah..." and walked away.

So a couple of things to point out:
1) Outfit clearly shows no sign of pregnancy. The last time I saw this woman was 6 weeks ago and at that time I clearly had a tummy.
2) Everyone who works here gossips like you would not believe. Everyone there knows everything about everyone. My boss sent an email to the GM telling him I lost the babies. She knew I wasn't pregnant anymore.
3) If I ever, EVER, made the mistake of asking someone such a question I would have backed up by apologizing and telling the woman I didn't know she had a m/c and repeatedly tell her how sorry I was. She said nothing of the sort.

It has been 8 hours since this happened and I am still so upset that my hands shake and tears well in my eyes. How could someone be so cruel? I keep asking myself what I ever did to make this woman hate me ~ because clearly she had it out for me this morning. It just hurts because it took everything I had to get up on a Saturday morning at 5 am to spend the day with happy families.

Oh, and after this all happened I went to get a Chai Latte and ran into someone who used to work for me. She had tears in her eyes and told me that she had heard about the m/c and said how sorry she was. (Did I make my point?) So I start crying again. The other volunteers start showing and up and of course, one of them is pregnant and she is not very nice. She was very snotty all day and I found myself obsessively looking at her beautiful pregnant belly and wishing it was me. Then of course her other children show up a few hours later to see Santa and all I can think is how she is going to have 3 and all I have asked for is 1.

Mean people suck.

And life just really sucks sometimes too.

Infertile during the Holidays

2009-12-09T16:41:00.000-06:00

Holiday decorations were out in stores before Halloween was over this year. All preparing us for the 3 holidays that will fall in quick succession of each other. 3 holidays that revolve around being thankful, feeling blessed, family and let's not forget, TIME.

A few months ago I volunteered with the local Children's Hospital for a Breakfast with Santa event. At that time I was joyfully pregnant and happy, no actually excited, to share my time and do something for our community. I thought about the maternity outfit I would buy and how for once in my life I wouldn't mind being around all the parents and children. But now, with my uterus empty again, I am dreading it. I found out last week that I will be assisting as a photographer. Grab the infertile to take all the pictures of the smiling kidos sitting on Santa's lap. Just my luck.

Let's not forget holiday cards. Yes, those are starting to arrive every day now. A friendly little reminder that all of our friends, yes ~ all of them, have children but us. And then I remember the cards I purchased after Christmas last year, dreaming that we would have either a baby or pregnancy photo to include in ours. Nope, not this year. Again.

We went to the first holiday party of the season last weekend. At this party we see several couples that we only get the opportunity to connect with a few times a year. The unfortunate part of this is that I run out of things to talk about. Once you get past the pleasantries I am always faced with the question, "What's new?" or "What have you been up to?" I usually look at J and painfully smile with a response of "just working and keeping busy". I feel it would be inappropriate to respond the way I want to which would be, "Oh, just gearing up for another IVF cycle ~ more drugs and needles to pass the time!"

So while I love all the sparkly lights and snow glistening on tree branches I cannot wait for the holidays to be over. I figure there are 2 options: Hide out and completely alienate our friends and family or fake it until I make it. I realize I will have to choose the latter or my mother will kill me.

This is not the post I intended on writing today. I was going to post that I think AF showed up but it's so different from a normal cycle that I can't tell. I called the clinic to let them know and the friendly nurse told me I had to wait 3 cycles before our FET. Are you kidding me?! The last nurse told me 2 cycles. I have mentioned before that at my clinic the left hand does not always know what the right hand is doing. Another fine example. The nurse did say that I can call in January and schedule a mid-cycle ultrasound to check for any abnormalities, cysts, etc. just to make sure all looks good before the FET. You can bet I will be calling before then and hope I get a nurse who says we only need to wait 2 cycles.

I also talked to the nurse about the preserved blastocysts. She confirmed we have 3 and the doctors are "strongly" recommending we only transfer 1, but we could transfer up to 2. I asked her why the doctors felt that way when the statistics for a FET are so much lower than a Fresh cycle and she said it was because I had success with the first try at IVF. She also went on to say we were the talk of the clinic when everyone found out I was pregnant with twins after only transferring 1 embryo. How was I supposed to respond to that?

I have our follow-up D&C appointment on Friday. I have my list of questions ready to go and I am nervous as hell.

Mourner or Martyr?

2009-12-03T21:36:00.000-06:00

I have found myself thinking back to when my grandfather passed away in 1995. My grandmother was distraught for months on end and I remember her own sister commenting that she was acting as though she was the first woman to ever lose her husband. I had to take a good look at myself and wonder if that is how I am being perceived. Although I feel anyone who has suffered a loss or has struggled to have children would understand the grief that comes along with a miscarriage, I have to remember your average person has no idea what it feels like. I also have to remind myself that I still have a husband to love and I need to be there for him too. This isn't just about me, this is about us, and we have to keep our marriage strong. I almost lost J a few years ago and I don't want to do anything that would compromise our marriage again. And while I am cognizant of these things it's so incredibly hard to put them into practice. There are always going to be good days and bad days, everyone knows that, but am I behaving like a martyr? I wasn't sure so I looked up martyr and it seems as though the most modern definition is as follows:

To describe someone who complains about his or her suffering at every opportunity. The term is also used to discuss people who complain about being in bad situations without doing anything about it. For example, someone who complains constantly about dental pain may be called a martyr behind his or her back, with the implication that he or she should just go to the dentist and get the situation dealt with.

After reading this I do not feel as though I am being a martyr. I'm not complaining about what we have gone through ~ my only outlet is this blog and my mother. I don't talk to my friends about my daily sorrow nor do I discuss all that has transpired in our ttc journey. No, I don't think I am a martyr. I am just mourning. I have been thinking more about the future and our upcoming FET and I feel that is me starting to turn the corner. And once I fully turn the corner I know I will be well again but I'm just not there yet. In the meantime I will continue to grieve our loss in the shadows but try to put on a happy face for those around me. Maybe the happy face will take over and become genuine. I might as well give it a shot.

Break Down

2009-11-25T10:47:00.000-06:00

I couldn't take it anymore....I called the IVF clinic and asked for the Quant level check (HcG level check) that my OB clinic wouldn't give me. I explained to her that I needed some peace of mind and she approved the lab tests. It appears my numbers are "coming down nicely". I cringed when she said that ~ it reminded me of when we were cycling and I would call everyday for my E2 levels and they would say how my numbers were "rising nicely". Anyway, I'm at 34 and will have another level check on December 11. The nurse said my numbers were in the thousands at the time of m/c so I will probably be at zero in another two weeks. I have stopped bleeding and just have some stagnation spotting every now and again. I wish it would just stop all together, it's just a reminder of the last two weeks. Yeah, two weeks ago today in fact that our babies were taken away. I just don't feel like anyone in my circle of friends or family understands this pain. I drank too much this past weekend and told my girlfriend everything about the IVF and m/c. She told me I just needed to relax. I wanted to scream and shake her. I ordered another beer instead. Another example of a fertile woman who just doesn't get it.

I skipped Christmas last year because it was just too depressing and will probably be doing the same this year as well. J and I are buying a new dishwasher as our Christmas so there's really no reason for a tree and we do not exchange gifts with our families so what's the point? Not to mention the thought of decorating my house makes me cringe. All that work for 5 weeks? No thanks ~ not going to play the game this year. Despite my harsh feelings towards the most wonderful time of year, I do find myself writing a letter to Santa in my head. I haven't written a letter to Santa since I was probably 7 years old, the last year I remember believing in Santa. I'm sure quite a few IFers have letters to Santa pleading to be blessed with a baby and mine would be no different. I would list everything I have done "good" this year and offer reasons as to why we deserve to be parents. I would even list the bad things I did and offer an explanation for my behavior. My closing statement would be powerful and convincing. Oh, if only Santa could really make all our dreams come true...if only he could make the dreams of all of us struggling out there come true.

Road Trip

2009-11-21T07:41:00.000-06:00

We are leaving this morning for Kansas City with another couple. Another couple with 3 beautiful children. Need I say more? Two weeks ago I was looking forward to this trip, we were going to tell them I was pregnant with twins. L and I would talk about babies all the way there and it would feel so good to finally be part of the mommy club. It was finally going to be my turn to talk about pregnancy symptoms and baby nurseries. Yeah, it was going to be a great trip ~ a trip we have had planned for months and right now all I can do is cry when I should be packing. I am supposed to be pregnant right now. My uterus isn't supposed to be empty and bleeding. I think that I am going through a denial phase right now....I lost it on J last night. Then he held me while I sobbed and told him how I just wanted our babies back, that it wasn't supposed to happen like this. He tries to comfort me but his words are just noises right now.

I question everything I did and everything I didn't do. I'm trying to learn how to live again and it sucks. Everything I thought I had figured out I have to learn again. My mom sent me an email this week that said: When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you. I wish I could have faith and let my heart believe that right now but I can't. The tears continue to slide down my cheeks and it feels as though I am being punished.

Well, I guess I better get packing and start working on my happy face. I wish someone would invent a cream that would make a tear stained, puffy face go back to normal with one application. It would be much easier to get through my days if I had such a magical cream. At least tears don't scar.

Moving Forward Guilt

2009-11-16T18:36:00.000-06:00

I called the IVF clinic to let them know we want to proceed with a FET as soon as we are able. I feel incredibly guilty about this but at the same time I know for my mental state that I need to keep forging ahead. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm not trying to replace my angel babies, I am just pursuing my dream of becoming a mother.

I'm also feeling a lot of resentment and jealously towards anyone with children. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that it's not fair. This wasn't supposed to happen! Statistics show that less than 10% of pregnancies that show a fetal heart rate over 100 at 7 weeks will result in miscarriage. Our babies heart rates were 121 and 142 at 7 weeks ~ how could this happen?! My heart is just broken. It's broken in a million pieces and I wonder how I will ever put it back together again. I feel like the only thing that will take this pain away is to get pregnant again and for that, I feel guilty.

The IVF clinic said I need to have 2 complete menstrual cycles before we can do a FET. If it takes 6 weeks for my period to return that puts us into March. March feels like a lifetime away right now. I called today and asked my Perinatal OB if they would schedule a Quantitative Level check for this week. They said I won't get one until my follow up appointment on December 11.
Here's my issue: If my Quant level is not zero I will not get my period. If I don't get my period I'm not moving as quickly towards the FET as I would like to. The nurse insists that the doctors report shows 95% of the "products of conception" (did I mention I hate her too?) were removed so there is no reason to be concerned and test before the 11th. Would it be wrong for me to call the OBGYN I had before I started fertility treatments and request a Quant Level check? I don't know if they would do it or not, I just need some peace of mind right now and I feel like no one is helping me to obtain that at my clinic.

Hour Glass

2009-11-14T05:34:00.000-06:00

Life has been like an hour glass glued to the table. I just want to find the rewind button and go back to when I was blissfully happy. The happiest I had been in a long time. J actually told me a few weeks ago he felt like he finally had his wife back. Those 12 weeks were some of the happiest days of my life and I wouldn't trade those days for anything, even if that trade would take this pain away.

All I do is cry. Mornings are the worst because I would wake up every morning and put my hands on my belly and tell the babies how much I loved them while I would pray for their protection and health. I can't touch or look at my belly now although it seems my uterus has already begun to shrink. Night time is better because I can just turn on the TV and get lost in someone elses life for awhile.

The D&C wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did snap on the doctor twice when she referred to our babies as "products of conception". After I corrected her the second time she referred to them as babies. I hate her. They did give me some pretty good drugs but I could still feel a lot of what they were doing. J held my hand through the entire procedure. I have had a little bit of cramping each day and some stagnation spotting so it appears the procedure went well. When it was time for me to get up and put my pants on I could see blood on the table, I could have done without that at this point in my life. Doesn't anyone think about those things?
Before we left the doctor said they thought it was early Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome ~ very common with identical twins who share the same placenta. My poor babies just couldn't get everything they needed to survive.

I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday and I used my time of peace to send our babies up to heaven. D cried with me when I told we had lost the babies. I see her every week so she's been through every part of this journey with me. Later that afternoon she sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers. I love her and am so grateful to have found her.

Just last Saturday, one week ago today, I took all of my pre-pregnancy pants and put them in our extra closet and put all the maternity clothes I had purchased in our master closet. At 12 weeks I thought we were "safe". Now today I must do this ritual all over again and it pains me just to think about having to do it.

The outpouring of love and friendship from IRL friends and bloggy friends has been overwhelming. This support has given me strength to face each day. And just like everything else that happens in our lives, each day does get easier. The days will get easier and I will shed less tears but I fear this empty part of my heart will be there for awhile ~ even after we have other babies. These were our first babies so they are extra special to us and I know that eventually that empty part of my heart will be filled with joyful memories of our 12 weeks together and that will sustain me.

No Heart Beats

2009-11-11T07:56:00.000-06:00

So while I thought I was going to be posting pictures of our beautiful babies today I'm not. The ultrasound yesterday showed both of their little hearts had stopped beating. Their hearts quit beating all the while my heart started breaking. My world feels as though it has fallen apart. Monday marked one year since our first IUI. It felt so good to think how far we had come in a matter of year, that we were a infertility success story. Wow, how your perspective can change so much in a matter of 24 hours.

I go in this morning for a D&C. I am so scared. I can't stop crying. I keep touching my tummy and telling our babies how very much I love them. How sorry I am that I will never get the chance to hold them in my arms and kiss their sweet faces. I thought infertility was hard ~ this is by far much harder. I just can't believe it, my body is numb. I want to wake up and this nightmare be over.

Someone Else's Battle

2009-11-06T05:41:00.000-06:00

I've had a quote from Plato on my blog for awhile now, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". Yesterday I went to visit one of my clients, who also happens to be my first cousin. I knew that M's husband had a vasectomy reversal so they could try and have children but I was always under the impression the reversal didn't work and that's why no babies were made between the two of them. He had two children from a previous marriage and it seemed they were content with that. Oh, how you should never assume!

So while I am visiting with M yesterday I'm asking her about her family, siblings, etc. when she stops and says to me, So what's cookin' with you? I said, well, I have a baby cookin'! She smiled and hugged me and said how happy she was for us. I told her thank you and that we were so happy. I made the comment I usually do which is, a lot of tears and prayers come along with these babies, we've waited a long time for this. Then M says, and did you spend a lot of money too? I smiled and yes. She smiled and said, yeah we've been there. To sum up the story, she starts to tell me how she went through 2 IVF's, the first one resulted in a BFP but at the 7 week u/s there wasn't a heartbeat. Then she had a D&C, followed by a surgery. They still had snow babies so they tried again. When that was a BFN they threw in the towel. With tears in my eye's I hugged her and said how sorry I was that she went through all that. Here's someone who lives 25 minutes from me and is part of my own family, went through so much of what we did and I had no idea. I could tell she is genuinely happy for us but as all IFer's feel, there is always a little bit of hurt that comes along with hearing someone else's joyous news when you are still waiting for your own or you've decided to move on. So last night I prayed for M and the baby she lost and for all those still chasing the elusive BFP. Only we can decide how long we stay in the battle and when to make the decision to walk away. Both decisions are made up of tremendous courage.

No Pictures

2009-10-29T16:01:00.000-05:00

We had the OB appointment on Monday but no ultrasound. I was so disappointed ~ a 3 hour doctor appointment and no pics. I swear we were told 3 weeks ago that we would have another ultrasound at 10 weeks however, we were also told there were 2 babies that day so I could have gotten anything screwed up!

So the next u/s is scheduled for Tuesday, November 10 at 10:00 am. The doctor did try to hear the heartbeats on Monday but she couldn't find them. She said not to worry b/c 10 weeks would be pretty early to hear the heartbeats. If we would have heard the hb's I would feel so much more relaxed right now.

The appointment was very overwhelming to say the least. We found out that the babies are sharing a placenta, which is the case in 2/3 of identical twin pregnancies so I wasn't surprised. I was however very surprised when our doctor started going into all that could happen with Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Then I came home and researched everything I could find and then I just had to quit b/c I got so scared and couldn't stop crying. Starting at 20 weeks I will have exams every 2 weeks to watch for any TTTS potential.

So after all this the nurse told J and I that we have the RH factor. We both just stared at each other, not really knowing what that meant or how bad something like that was. The nurse said it's not as big of a deal anymore because there is a shot that would prevent the antibodies from attacking the babies if I had any internal bleeding. So at 24 weeks I will get a shot of R.ho.gam. I just get concerned that what if I had any bleeding before 24 weeks? So that is on the list for the next appointment.

Still going to Acupuncture and I think that has done wonders for morning sickness. There is actually a point called "Happy Baby" that is supposed to help with nausea. Right now the only time I feel sick is when I need to eat.

As scared as this last doctor's appointment made me, I still feel so absolutely blessed. We had been praying for one baby for so long and then God blessed us with two. It's overwhelming but now I can't imagine our life turning out any other way. IF is so hard and no one understands unless they have walked the path, felt the weight in their hearts and the sting of tears in their eyes. While I would never have chosen this course, I am not ashamed or embarrassed about what we had to do to get here. I still read the blogs of all my sisters and pray that their dreams will come true soon or at least the road will become easier to tread for awhile.

Countdown T - 3

2009-10-23T16:46:00.000-05:00

We are down to 3 days until we get to see our babies again. Monday, October 26 at 12:30 pm. Oh, how I wish the appointment was right away in the morning! I am very nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. I have been feeling lots of twinges / stretching / pulling on both sides pretty much every day. To be honest, I really don't know the difference between those 3. They all kind of feel the same ~ very similar to ovulation or premenstrual cramping. I was nervous when I was only feeling things on the right side but the very next day I will have a similar feeling on the left side. I keep telling myself that it's good I feel things on both sides and I have no reason to be concerned.

It's very hard to be upbeat and chipper about pregnancy once you have struggled to get this far. I always thought I would relish every moment and savor every day like a piece of chocolate cake but it's not quite like that. I do love every twinge, every moment of nausea, every glimpse at my growing tummy. It's just that every day I have to try and ward off the thoughts that creep into my head that something will go wrong. Even at 10 weeks (tomorrow!) I struggle with believing my dreams may have actually come true.

Priceless

2009-10-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

1,460 days since we started ttc
14 rounds of oral fertility meds
56 Injections
5 IUI's
1 IVF
$22,000 out-of-pocket

Seeing our babies heartbeats.......Priceless.

We're Back!

2009-09-29T15:22:00.001-05:00

We just got back home from a trip to the Upper Peninsula. We had a great time and re-lived some wonderful memories from our wedding there 5 years ago. Not much had changed in this Northern little town and I was glad for that. It would have broken my heart to have seen a Mc.Don.al.ds or some franchise had built there.

Not much going on in my new world of pregnancy. I still question every day if this is really happening. Sore boobs are not as constant or as swollen. Nausea comes and goes but no vomiting. Some tugging / pulling on the left and right sides of my abdomen. 6 days until u/s. Praying the doctors see the sac and that we may possibly see the heart beat. If that happens, then maybe I will believe that this actually worked....until then the questions remain with every bated breath I take.

My mom says I just can't believe it because I've wanted this for so long. She's probably right but it doesn't make it any easier. I found this on another blog today and felt as though this would resonate with anyone going through hard times but as someone who has suffered with infertility for 4 years, the first line brought tears to my eyes.

Instead

Do not think of what you do not have;
Instead, appreciate what you have and can still have.

Do not think of things lost;
Instead, value what you still have and may yet find.

Do not cry over spilled milk;
Instead, rejoice in what was left.

Do not think of what you are not;
Instead, be humble with what you are and can still become.

Do not think of what others say you are;
Instead, concern yourself with what you affirm to be.

Do not think of the hours and days past;
Instead, look eagerly to times that are yet to come.

Do not think of what you failed to do;
Instead, think of those that you were able to do and can still best do.

Do not think of mistakes committed;
Instead, count the things you did right.

Do not think much of the pain you have caused;
Instead, plan for ways to make amends.

Do not think of the sufferings you now bear;
Instead, look to the comfort when relief draws near.

Do not consume yourself with thoughts of what could have been;
Instead, marvel at what has become and will become.

Do not be anxious to attain greater happiness;
Instead, content yourself with the little things which bring you bliss.

Do not aspire to fill your cup at once;
Instead, have the patience to do it little by little.

And if by chance you fail, do not fret over the empty part on top;
Instead, celebrate the space filled up.

Do not condemn nature when it is at its worst;
Instead, think of the times when it was at its best.

Do not blame luck for things you miss;
Instead, learn from things in which you have been remiss.

Nor should you curse luck or others for life's misfortunes;
Instead, accept them as part of life.

I say then, Live fully, die a little,
Learn much but question less.

Have just enough but give much more,
Be contented each time to crave much less.

Doubt less and affirm a lot,
Understand more, and be understood less.

Worry a little but hope you must,
Accept all, resist the least.

For all things happen,
In due time they must.

By P. E. Calleja

A Moment of Freak Out

2009-09-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, just like most mornings, but today something was different. I was laying on my stomach. I have not been able to lay on my stomach for 2 weeks b/c my boobs are incredibly sore. This morning there was no pain. Zero. Zilch. Nada. While most fertile women would awake to this and enjoy every glorified moment, being the infertile that I am, I started to freak out. My sore boobs are my only pregnancy symptom and for this symptom to disappear scares the hell out of me. I fussed about it most of the morning and tried to be positive. Then I started reading blogs to see if I could find some insight. It seemed every blog I read the woman was posting about a miscarriage. This did not help my situation so I tried to do what I was being paid to do ~ sell!

This was fine until my acupuncture appointment at 2:30 pm. I thank the heavens for D! She was my saving grace today. Of course, I told her about the sore boobs thing, she laughed. Then she checked my pulses and said all the organs were very strong, stronger than last week and didn't think I had anything to be concerned about. Ahhhh, I felt better already. Then I had an amazing appointment where all I did was imagine my baby growing and being born. In a matter of an hour my entire outlook on life had changed.

And low and behold, about an hour ago my ta-ta's started hurting again. I am beaming from ear to ear now. Incredible how one symptom can make me so majestically happy.

OCD

2009-09-18T16:25:00.001-05:00

I have a problem. I am an obsessive compulsive boob toucher and toilet paper checker. I touch my boobs at least 15 times per day to make sure they still hurt and I analyze the T.P. to see if there is any discharge or spotting. Although my HcG was 936 on Wednesday, I am still paranoid. I want to enjoy every moment of being pregnant but it's hard when I'm so scared the bubble is going to burst. On Wednesday the nurse told me that my HcG more than doubled so there was no need to think the pregnancy was not progressing. So I will not have any more blood tests until October 5 when I have my first ultra sound. I like getting the b/w done b/c then I know we are progressing. Now I am left to wonder and look like the weird girl who keeps touching her boobs every hour.

My cramping is pretty much gone, I just get a few twinges every now and again. No nausea. My face is certainly more oily. My body no longer enjoys chocolate. The veins in my chest look a little bit more prominent but I'm probably the only one who would notice.

So while I tell myself I just need to make it to 10 weeks and then I will feel better, I know I will be giving myself mile markers throughout this journey. At 10 weeks, it will be if I can make it to 20 weeks. At 20 weeks, it will be 30. And on, and on, and on.

J wants to go up to Michigan where we got married next week to celebrate the pregnancy and our 5 year anniversary. We have not been to the UP since we got married and right now I think it is exactly what we need. I feel like I need to step away from work and every day life for a moment. Our world has been moving so quickly that it's almost overwhelming and I wonder if my feet are touching the ground.

Drum Roll......

2009-09-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would get through today! I called J at 2:15 pm when he wasn't home yet and asked when he would be here. He said, we already know your pregnant, you don't need me there to listen to a message from the nurse. So I hung up the phone and called the patient information line. After hearing the words congratulations, I called J back and told him it was official, he was going to be a daddy.

HCG 417, will go back on Wednesday for more b/w and blood typing
Progesterone 74.8, can stop the PIO shots! woo-hoo!!
Estradial 741, which the nurse said was an excellent number

Because I am hypothyroid they want me to take 2 additional pills each week. She said to set 2 days, like Tuesday's and Thursday's that I will take 2 pills instead of 1.

Conception date is considered the day of retrieval, which was August 29
Due Date is May 22 ~ my sister's birthday!
We can resume having sex! Another woo-hoo!

My nurse said not to worry about the cramping as long as there was no discharge or bleeding. She said to make sure I am drinking plenty of water, it tends to help with the cramps but my uterus is stretching, so I will probably have this for awhile.

I am on top of the world. I went to tell my parents tonight and we will tell J's parents tomorrow night. We have a long road ahead of us but I feel like I just won the toughest battle. All our years of trying and I have never gotten to this part yet. I have made it over another hurdle and that alone feels fantastic.

Things that Make you go Hmmmm........

2009-09-13T11:39:00.001-05:00

In my previous post I talked about the terrible cramps I had yesterday. I emailed a friend of mine who has been through 4 IVF's and she said that she always knew by the cramps that it didn't work. She tried to keep me positive but I was feeling quite discouraged. So at 3:45 pm I decided to POAS. Two beautiful pink lines appeared and tears ran down my face. I dropped to my knees and began thanking God for this wonderful gift. I have never had a positive pregnancy test before in my life. I put it in a little gift bag to surprise J when he came home and I kept getting back into the bag all afternoon to look at it. I can hardly believe it's positive, it just doesn't seem possible.

I woke up at 2:00 am with major cramps again. These lasted for 13 minutes and then I couldn't fall back asleep. My mind is going a million miles a minute thinking that my body is rejecting this pregnancy. I finally fell back asleep around 4:30 am and woke up at 6:30 am. I tested again and got another positive. I know the Beta will reveal how healthy this baby is and that is all I can think about today. I did call my sister, who has 3 children, to see if she had any feedback. She said she had major cramps with her first. This definitely made me feel better and I am a little more calm about this now.

So now I am trying to get some work done for a presentation I have tomorrow. The b/w is at 7:00 am and I can get the results any time after 12:00 pm. My presentation is at 1:00 pm so I won't be able to call until after 2:00 pm. Praying for a high beta!

Our 5 year anniversary is this coming Thursday and I can't think of a better gift that J and I could ever give to each other. This is the happiest I have been in 4 years and I don't want these feelings to ever go away. For today, nothing can bring me down off this cloud.

Feelings

2009-09-12T16:24:00.000-05:00

I thought I should log some of the feelings I have been having since the ET on September 3. There's no way I will be able to remember all this a couple of months from now.

* Didn't really feel much of anything while I was on bed rest 9/3 - 9/6
* 9/7 I went to my parents house after buying groceries and had a tugging feeling on my right side, near my ovary. This lasted for about an hour and a half. 3 pimples showed up on my chin / jaw line.
* 9/9 I started have pains in my left ovary. I was having pains similar to this prior to the ET and mentioned to the nurse. She said it was probably slight OHSS. Nipples getting sore, not breasts really, just the nips. Not much of an appetite ~ didn't even realize I missed lunch today.
* 9/10 start getting a pain in my right ovary. It's different from the pain on the left. I would call this a dull pain and it wanders just above my pelvic bone from time to time. Heartburn after eating a chicken wrap for luch.
* 9/11 pains on both sides of my body. J and I watched a movie and the whole time I kept my hands on my lower abdomen. The warmth just seemed to make me feel better. Heart burn after eating lasagna for lunch. Heart burn after eating yogurt in the afternoon.
* 9/12 felt great all morning, not really any pains. I left my parents house at 11:00 am, arrived home at 11:25 and incredible cramping started. It felt just like period cramps. I sat down on the sofa and waited for them to go away, which was about 7 minutes. I kind of have the dull ache above my pelvic bone still but no more cramping.

Still juicing vegetables every day. There were a few days after the ET that we juiced twice per day with organic pineapple. I've read it helps with implantation and since the ET we have juiced 6 whole pineapples. Let's hope that did the trick! 2 days until Beta.

Little Miss Hopeful

2009-09-10T20:30:00.001-05:00

So while I am trying to remain Little Miss Hopeful, in the midst of my mind and body telling me this didn't work, we did get some good news today. We officially have 3 frozen embryos. One was preserved the day of transfer, September 3, and there were two others that the Embryologist said might not make it. Well, much to my surprise, they picked up speed and were preserved on September 7. And that makes me smile. That added some hope back into my life. 3 snow babies.

Desires of the Heart

2009-09-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

A few months ago my friend H sent me a scripture verse "Desires of the Heart".
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5

About 2 weeks or so after that my mom gave me a necklace. It has a gold heart with 7 rings around it. The necklace came with a verse that said to keep 7 wishes close to your heart, because Desires of the Heart always come true. I started to cry and then shared the scripture with my mom.

On Saturday afternoon I was reading blogs and came across one of a woman who is in her 2ww after an IUI. She closed out her post with this:
I am so very blessed and I know that God is in control...He knows my hearts desires and He will fulfill the promises He has made.

Yesterday morning I was flipping channels and came across a Joel Osteen sermon. I love the way this man preaches ~ most everything he talks about touches my heart. I had not heard of him until a few months ago when a friend of mine shared some audio CD's. I wound up watching his entire program. Throughout the entire sermon he kept referring back to the Desires of our Hearts. How we have to keep strong and have faith that God is with us. He knows what we have asked for and we need to be patient and trust in his timing.

So many God Winks these past few months referring back to the Desires of our Hearts keeps me hopeful. While I know it will hurt beyond words if we have to go through this again, I know that I have shared with God the Desires of my Heart and I will remain confident that he will fulfill my dream when the time is right. God's timing is always perfect.

And now we wait....

2009-09-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

ET Day started with a 30 minute acupuncture appointment and then off to the clinic. We arrived 5 minutes late then had to wait an hour because the clinic was running behind. I ask J what magazines he brought to read. All hunting magazines. So I read about "Monster Bucks" while waiting impatiently for our embaby to be transferred into my uterus. The nurse that admitted us wasn't that great but the one that took over for her was super. ET was scheduled for 11:00 am but they didn't even take us back to the room until 11:30. It turned out to be the same room my ER was in. There was a little door in the wall that looked like a laundry shoot door. The nurse explained that is where the Embryologist is. Then Dr V came in along with the Sonographer. Soon the Embryologist arrived and showed us pictures of our embryos. The one transferred was graded AA Excellent and they froze one graded AB Good. Two did not make it and 2 were still not determined if they could be froze. They said a letter would be mailed to our home next week with final results.

At 11:52 am our embaby was transferred and we watched it all on the screen. The sonographer was wonderful and took a picture for us too. J said it looked like a shooting star. You actually can't see the embryo with the naked eye, it's just bubbles following the embryo being pushed into your uterus but it was still a beautiful moment. There were not any complications. Other than the clinic being behind, everything went as expected. Afterwards I had another acupuncture appointment and then came home to rest. The sun was shining all day and I told J it was a beautiful day to get pregnant. Then it all turned dark and twisty.

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful and I wound up falling asleep on the sofa and waking up around 10:30 pm. I went to the bathroom and started cramping terribly. I walked to our bedroom and tried stretching out and using breathing techniques but the pain worsened. I walked back to the bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick. I started screaming for J and he came running in. I laid on the bathroom floor crying. It lasted for about 30 minutes and then was over. I woke up the next morning feeling very sore but have not had any cramping since.

Then around 4:00 pm on Friday my right shoulder started to hurt. I thought I must have just slept on it funny and tried rubbing it. The pain increased. By 9:00 pm I was crying because my neck and shoulder hurt so bad. I slept for 2 hours and spent the rest of the time rubbing my arm and flipping channels. When J woke up on Saturday morning he called a Chiropractor. We arrived there around 9:30 am. He took one look at my neck and shoulder and said I had a pinched nerve. He cracked my neck and my back and I felt instantly better. The pain continued through the day but not nearly what I experienced the day before. I called my mom crying. Between sobs I asked, haven't I been through enough fucking shit already? I couldn't help it. Here I took this time off of work for rest and relaxation and I wind up crying in pain for 2 days. I couldn't believe it.

So far today has been a pretty good day. I only had to use the ice pack for about an hour on my shoulder. I pretty much putzed around the house and watched tv. Another day down ~ 8 to go.

Quote

2009-09-02T18:27:00.000-05:00

One of my clients gave me a book of quotes yesterday. While eating lunch today I found one that I absolutely love. I adore that his last name is Childs too.

The most radical, powerful act
ever undertaken by any human being,
remains the act of committing,
beyond reservation,
to a worthy personal mission

~ Christopher Childs

My Mission: I will be a mother someday. I will......

Fertilization Report

2009-08-30T12:46:00.000-05:00

ER day went very smooth. We arrived at the clinic at 8:00 am and I was headed into the operating room at 10:00 am. Once in the OR the anesthesiologist administered a drug through the IV that she said would probably make me dizzy. So I closed my eyes and practiced some breathing techniques. Then I felt as though I might vomit. One of the nurses started talking to me and that is the last thing I remember.

Once back in recovery we were told "8 great looking eggs" were retrieved. I came home and slept for the rest of the afternoon and felt pretty good overall. Later in the evening I did have some cramping but it eventually subsided and I woke up this morning feeling back to normal.

I received the Fertilization Report at 12:00 pm today which said I had a total of 19 follies, 11 eggs were retrieved, 9 eggs were inseminated and 6 fertilized normally. We will have a Day 5 transfer! I call their Patient Information Line on Tuesday afternoon to find out what time the transfer will be. I am over the moon! My sister T and her son I lit 3 candles in church this morning ~ one for me, one for J and one for our baby. I have been praying so hard for this and I know our family has too. Now we have embryos that will make it to a Day 5 transfer and it appears my prayers have been answered.

My clinic has what they call Inclusion Criteria, which means the age and number of IVF's a female has gone through will determine how many embryos are transferred. Based on this criteria we will only have 1 embryo transferred on Thursday. It makes me a little nervous but I also believe in their theory which is "One healthy baby at a time". I just need to believe in the integrity and experience of the staff at the clinic and leave the rest to God.

Today was the biggest hurdle for me. Yesterday, I knew eggs would be retrieved but the looming question was if they would even fertilize. Given the fact that we have never had a pregnancy this was a concern that has weighed heavy on my shoulders. I have feared that my eggs just wouldn't fertilize.....but they did and I am ever so grateful. As soon as I heard the nurses voice say that 6 fertilized normally the tears of joy started streaming down my face. Our dream is within reach right now and feeling this way gives me peace.

Communication Efficiency

2009-08-27T16:08:00.001-05:00

A nurse by the name of Shirley called me this afternoon and said to disregard the previous message she had left for me. The message was incorrect and all of the information she relayed to me will be changed. If this was the first phone call like this from my clinic I wouldn't be concerned. But it's not. Last week a nurse by the name of Cindy called me and said to disregard the previous message she had left me. The information left was incorrect. Between the phone calls and my lack-of-schedule for this IVF, I see a horrible pattern of communication issues with my clinic and quite frankly, it makes me uneasy. Mostly because I am a worrier and I don't want this to get screwed up. My mind is working over-time as it is and now I find myself concerned with their internal struggles with communication.

Onto better topics! Trigger shot will be tonight at 10:30 pm ~ past my bed time, but it will all be worth it, right? Hopefully this won't hurt too bad because my left hip recieved the double shot of Repronex last night and is very sore today.

We report to the clinic at 8:00 am for J to provide his sample. My clinic has this funny rule that if you "collect together" you need to come in 60 minutes prior to ER. If J were to go alone, it's only 30 minutes. I think this is funny because we only need 30 minutes when we are collecting together. If J was on his own it would take 60 minutes! To me, it's ass backwards, but who am I to judge?

ER will be at 9:00 am and they say it will take about an hour. Then an hour and a half for recovery so I figure we will be home by noon. I have tried to go back through some blogs to read how others felt after retrieval. At least it's the weekend and I can rest until Monday if I need to.

Ultrasound Update

2009-08-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

I was very nervous last night and could hardly sleep in anticipation of today's ultrasound. Then I woke up at 5:00 am and immediately started praying that we would receive good news today. Despite the pain in my lower abdomen I thought for sure that I was going to be told I only had some 10's and 12's in there. Never underestimate the power of prayer.

My left ovary had 8 follies, these are the good ones
3 @ 17 mm
1 @ 16 mm
2 @ 15 mm

My right ovary had 8 follies and most were small except the leader of the pack is on this one!
1 @ 18 mm
1 @ 17 mm
1 @ 13 mm

My RE seemed happy with the counts and increased my Repronex to 2 vials for tonight. I've been instructed to trigger tomorrow night and ER will be on Saturday morning. Eeeeeeee! It feels like this is actually going to happen. Still a nervous wreck but also excited.

The Ultrasound also showed my lining at 14 mm which she said was "gorgeous". Every woman loves being called gorgeous, even if you are referring to her endometrium :) She said I had good mucous and showed me the pockets on the screen. I was glad she said something about the mucous because I was wondering if that was normal!

I was pleased to hear the doctor that would be attending on Saturday for the ER is one that I really like. She was there for my ultrasound this morning and when I saw her I was immediately relaxed. She's just a very pleasant and positive person and I feel at ease around her.

So, here we go! Tonight will be 20 units of Lupron, 150 units of Follistim and 2 vials of Repronex. Trigger of 10,000 on Thursday and then Friday will be my day of rest with no shots. PIO shots will start on Saturday evening.

Adventures in IVF

2009-08-24T12:43:00.001-05:00

Like most marriages J and I have our routines. He takes out the garbage, I do the grocery shopping. He makes sure the cars have oil and wiper fluid, I take care of the laundry. Now we have a new routine ~ nightly medication for IVF. I get the Lupron and Follistim ready and he does the Repronex. All has been smooth sailing until last night. J put the diluent in with the powder and it got all bubbly on top. We just stood there and stared at it, not knowing what to do. At $43 per vial this medication has value! We decided we shouldn't use the medication. It had never done this before and we didn't want to take any chances. J gets the next one ready and sees there isn't any powder in the vial. Okay, 3rd one has to be the charm ~ and it was. It also wound up being the best IM shot he has given me. Only hurt for a second.

I went to the clinic bright and early for my b/w this morning and then asked if I could speak with a nurse. It so happened this was the same nurse who gave us our injection training. I told her about the Repronex and she said we could have used it ~ figures! Then I asked her about my lack of schedule for this cycle. She went into a long explanation that the clinic is very conservative and because of my risk for OHSS they wanted to go low and slow with my medication. And that each woman's cycle is different due to how she stimulates so there really is no way to "schedule" for IVF. Really?! Then why do so many other women out there get schedules from their clinics? Why was I given the ER date of 8/24? This was the first day of the clinics next up-time....the lack of communication from this place kills me. Lord help me get through this cycle with a BFP to make it all worth while!

Onto daily statistics ~ just got my Estradial level report and it was 515 and they wanted it to be 595. I started crying. I'm still crying. So I will increase the Follistim back up to 150 and keep the Lupron at 20 units and the Repronex at 1 vial for tonight and Tuesday night. Then it's back to the clinic on Wednesday morning at 7:45 am for an ultrasound.

I Want a New Drug

2009-08-22T19:04:00.000-05:00

Remember that Huey Lewis song? Well, I started the Repronex shots on Thursday and holy cow, I do not like this drug and want a new one! On Thursday I was really dizzy and had to lay down immediately afterwards. The room was spinning for about an hour after that. Then on Friday night it was 30 minutes after the shot and I was vomiting my lovely dinner from 2 hours earlier. I had blood work this morning and asked the nurse about it and she said they don't want to change my drugs in the middle of the cycle. She also said that she has never heard of these side effects before. Really? Because they are posted all over the Internet and in the paper work I received from the pharmacy.

While I was there I asked about my ER being scheduled for Monday. She responded that the average woman stims for 13 days before ER and I was only on Day 5. If that is the case, how come no one is communicating this to me? Why is that my clinic keeps you in the dark about EVERYTHING? J and I are feeling pretty frustrated with all of this right now. Not knowing what next week would bring I did not schedule any appointments with my clients, told my colleagues I would be out-of-pocket and gave my assistant the heads up I would probably be out 3 days. Now, it looks like ER will be one week from today. I have purposely been avoiding research on IVF so as not to freak myself out but it appears I should have been in order to keep myself educated on how this would all pan out.

These drugs are really f-ing with me. I feel completely irrational and overly emotional. I had the TV on while making dinner tonight and some children were singing the national anthem. I started crying.

Blood work update: Estradial 238. The nurse called this a "nice number" and said to keep with 20 units of Lupron, 75 units of Follistim and 1 vial of Repronex. I go in for more blood work on Monday morning and an Ultrasound on Wednesday morning.

On the Road Again

2009-08-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

J and I got back from Michigan, were home for 1 day then turned around and left for Chicago. I had a work trip and J came with me. I ran into Tar.get last night to pick up some veggies to juice. As I was going out the doors I glanced over and saw the woman who was always my forever friend V. Over the last year V and I have really drifted apart. This is the same friend who did not respond to my email that I sent her in February on my (then) 3 failed IUI's. After that I have stopped any effort to communicate with her and she has only text me once.

V was putting her baby in the cart when I saw her and thought I was still safe to get out the doors without being seen. No such luck. I hear her say my name so I of course, look and act surprised to see her. I give her a hug and say hello to her two little ones, who greet me with big grins. She asked what I was up to and I said we had just got home from Michigan and Chicago. She says they are shopping for shoes because they have a wedding this weekend. Then she says, well we better get shopping....I said it was nice to see her and she responds that I really need to get on Fac.ebook. She can keep track of my sister and SIL but has no idea what's going on with me. As she says this she is pushing the cart and walking away from me. I was standing there like an idiot. WTF?! I wanted to tell her there are other ways to communicate with people other than Fac.ebook. How about emailing or a phone call? How about responding when someone emails you?

I have been friends with V since the 6th grade and when she became a mommy 4 years ago I was instantly shut out. It was like since I wasn't a member of the mommy club I was no longer worthy of her time. Then we started talking occasionally again about a year ago, pretty much when we were both in the car coming home from work. Our friendship has always been able to pick right up where we left off, despite how much time was in between visits. But now I am just hurt by her. I feel like I should send her an email or call but then I ask myself why? Those that are close to me know what is going on in my life and they care about me. They call or email and want to know how we are doing. I hate to say it but I really don't care if she's not a part of my life anymore. I never dreamed in a million years I would feel that way about V but I guess that is just part of the course of life. Some people will just come and go into our lives.

Quick Post

2009-08-13T21:05:00.000-05:00

J and I are getting ready to head out of town for a few days ~ going to the Irish Hills of Michigan!

I had blood work today and the nurse called and said my estradial levels of 10 were "perfect". So I will start 150 units of Follistim on Monday night then go back for more blood work on Thursday morning. I will probably introduce Repronex on Thursday night.

I can't believe how time is just flying by me right now! The Lupron side effects have leveled off a little ~ I still do not have an appetite at all. I had an acupuncture appointment today and she looked at my tongue and asked how my appetite was. Crazy how she can tell that by my tongue and my pulse! She also asked why she felt so much sadness in my heart and lung pulse....I told her about my dear friend passing away. It is amazing how she could feel all the grief I am holding inside.

Well, it's time for the Lupron shot. I am looking forward to 5 days away from work and my every day life.

Scattered

2009-08-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

I am completely scattered........I have been freaking out about my acupuncturist being out of the office on the 24th, the day of ER and that is not the day I need her at all. I need her on transfer day. I had my ah-ha moment while on the phone with my MIL this afternoon. Some days I just feel like all of this is just too much for me to keep straight.

Then last night J and I were headed to the theatre (if you ever have the chance to see Judy Butterfield in a Caberet, she is wonderful) and just before leaving the house I decided to turn my computer off. There was an email saying that my good friend had passed away, that something was wrong with his heart. This friend and I had been emailing all week, the last one taking place on Friday morning. We even made lunch plans for next week. My heart is in pieces and my mind is in shock. He was only 38 years old.

We are scrambling to head out of town the end of the week and I cannot keep focused. My brain has been constantly on babies and now all I can think of is my dear friend K. He just landed his dream job, he purchased a new car 2 weeks ago.......he was healthy. How could this have happened? I just told him about the InVitro a couple of weeks ago and he was so excited for us. He was never married, no children ~ although he wanted both terribly. He was such a wonderful person and I hate to think that his time here is over.

So scattered is where I am and unfortunately, I think scattered is where I will be for awhile.

Oh, Lupron!

2009-08-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

I had an un-eventful trip to the Windy City, which is always good. It was fast and furious and now today I am burried with work and wondering how I can avoid working the weekend.

Current side effects of Lupron are thirst, tender breasts, sleepy, lack of appetite and headache all day today. It's not a pounding headache but more of a dull ache that will just not go away. All I have wanted to do was crawl back into bed. If I didn't have so much work to do, I certainly would have.

I have been having brown discharge all week and it is finally starting to go away. My acupuncturist refers to it as stagnation (I refer to it as gross!) and says it's a good thing. I think my body just really wanted to have a period. Tomorrow is the last day for BCP's so we'll see if my period arrives after stopping those. I am scheduled for blood work on Thursday the 13th but if I have spotting or bleeding before then I am supposed to call the clinic.

I asked my acupuncturist D if we could schedule appointments before and after my ER on the 24th and she is going to be driving home from Nebraska that day! She said she could refer me to one of her colleagues but I really don't want to do that.....but what choice do I have? The colleague she referenced is one that I went to about a year ago that I just didn't click with. I have been going to D since March and feel totally comfortable with her. D did say that if you have acupuncture within 24 hours of ER is okay but I really wanted to go before and after. J suggested that I start visiting her colleague so I feel comfortable with someone else. But then I wonder if I should be concerned about this at all....how often is the ER right on schedule? None of my IUI's were on the day we had scheduled them for.

I am hopeful my side effects of Lupron will fade after I am on it for awhile but I think they are probably here to stay considering I am on 20 units per day. J and I leave for a mini vaca next Thursday and I just don't want to be feeling lousy while we're gone.

On the Move

2009-08-04T05:44:00.000-05:00

Here we are, August 4th. Time seems to be flying by! We had another weekend on the go and now I am leaving for another work trip to Chicago for a few days. Tomorrow we start Lupron!
Last night J and I were going through all the information they gave us at Injection Training and trying to remember all of the details. They gave us a short novel of information but I wish I had been taking notes because I have to call the clinic now. I'm sure it goes back to the breif panic attack I suffered in the nurses office that afternoon ~ my mind shut down and I expected J to remember all the important stuff ~ I guess his mind was spinning too because we remember different things.

I will have an acupuncture appointment today before I head out of town and will ask her if we can schedule two appointments for ER day. We have already scheduled two appointments for the week before but it seems this is protocol for many so I figure why not jump on the wagon? ER is scheduled for the 24th ~ a Monday ~ but she does not work on Monday's. We have a great relationship so I am sure we will work something out. I also realized last night that the 24th is the first day of "Up Time" at my clinic. So what happens if the stims are really working and my body has all these eggs ready to go on the 21st? I'm sure they will just back off the meds so that doesn't happen but it makes my head spin to think about all of these details.

I have been juicing fresh organic vegetables and fruit everyday for a week now. I mix in a little of my liquid mineral supplements and feel supercharged for the day! My concoction for today will be carrots, broccoli, celery, green onion and apple. D, my acupuncturist, thought it would be a good idea for me to incorporate this back into my diet. The juice along with high protein and eggs every morning for breakfast. The juice I drink at room temp because she feels I am spleen deficient and the cold is not good for my body. When she first told me this I found it incredibly interesting because I do not even like to drink anything too cold. Room temp water from the water cooler has always been my choice over the ice cold spicket. White wine is always served too cold. I never ask for ice in my beverages. Weird how my body just knew that.

Well, I am better get ready for my trip. I look forward to crossing a few more days off the calendar. Time is moving along and I am so glad that it is! I know as soon as we have the transfer it will feel like time has stopped. I've always hated the 2ww and I know my first IVF 2ww will be even worse than all of my IUI's.

Injection Training

2009-07-29T19:14:00.001-05:00

As much as I have read about IVF and as many blogs as I follow, I was not prepared for our "Injection Training" appointment yesterday. At one point J looked at me and asked if I was going to be okay. I am sure I was as white as a ghost with a blank stare on my face. It was incredibly overwhelming to hear about all of the drugs, blood work and ultrasounds. I also think that yesterday's appointment made all of this feel very real. Back in May when we decided to move forward with IVF I felt like August was so far away and I was disappointed we had to wait so long. Now it's here and I wonder where did the months of waiting go?

I had an ultrasound yesterday and had 11 follies on the left and 12 on the right. They said my lining looked perfect ~ no cysts or anything to be concerned about. I will continue on the BCP's until Saturday, August 8. On August 5 I will start the Lupron. First blood draw will be 8 am on Thursday, August 13. They have a patient information phone line that I will call that afternoon to get my test results and be told what any next steps may be. They said I shouldn't get a period but will perhaps have a day of bleeding or some spotting. Once either of these occur I need to call the clinic. If I do not experience anything by the 14th I need to call the clinic.

I will be taking what my clinic feels is the maximum dose of Lupron each day ~ 20 units ~ due to my risk of OHSS. The more follies you have the greater the risk. This concerns me a little bit because of the horror stories I have read about Lupron.

Our nurse was a kick in the pants! She had me laughing and smiling the entire 2 hours we were with her. She made sure we understood how to do all of the shots and she made us repeat back what days we were going to start and stop which drugs. Then she had J give me a practice shot with saline. Although he gave me the Follistim shots for the IUI's he was glad to have the training on the IM shots. Then the nurse called me today to see if I had any questions once I got home last night and confirmed my blood work appointment. So different from the bitchy nurses I had for my IUI's.

I learned about a couple new drugs: Medrol and Tetracycline. I will take these orally after the transfer to help with implantation. I will also be on the PIO shots. They are going to start me on 150 of Follistim and Repronex. I haven't been on Repronex before so I need to read up on the side effects. They said I could take Tylenol for pain once my follies start to get big and uncomfortable.

Day of transfer J will need to give a fresh sample and I need to come in with an empty bladder. They will give me 12 ounces of water to drink so my bladder will be half full. They say this helps get the catheter through the cervix. I will have a local anesthetic and be able to leave 1 - 2 hours afterwards. My clinic says you only need to be on bed rest for the duration of the day and can go back to work as normal the following day. J and I talked about it and I will take 3 days of bed rest following the transfer. Why take any chances?

Grand total for Meds: $1,514.13. We were expecting $2,300 so that figure was a pleasant surprise! I guess there is no turning back now.........IVF here we come!

Baby OCD

2009-07-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

I have Baby Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The first step is to admit you have a problem. I cannot stop thinking about babies and my upcoming IVF. I have babies on the brain!

I emailed my boss yesterday and gave her my tentative dates for retrieval and bed rest. She was awesome. She told me to focus on my family and baby making and to keep her posted on anything that I needed from her. I couldn't have asked for a better response....which makes me reconsider leaving this crazy job I have. She is so understanding (she struggled for 3 years to conceive and her twin sister had to have IVF) and if I take this other job my new boss does not have children and the other Director does not have children. The woman who would be my counter part does not have children. Is that a red flag?

My sister had a garage sale this past weekend and I sold some things to make money to go towards our baby fund. My sister gave me some of her maternity clothes and then she showed me a few things she is going to give us! She also gave me some new born baby clothes that I immediately placed in the dresser we have set aside for the nursery.

We made $566 at the garage sale and the money will go towards my medication which coincidentally, I will be purchasing today. We have an appointment at 1 pm for "Injection Training" too. We used Follistim with our last 2 IUI's and I thought that is what they were going to give us for the IVF too so I'm not sure how much training we need ~ I guess we'll see.

My MIL called yesterday and asked about the IVF cycle. This was the first time in weeks that she had asked us anything about it. I was pleased that she called because I was feeling quite frustrated with her. We are their only hope for grandchildren (J only has one brother and he doesn't want children) and I have been upset they are not more enthusiastic about all of this. My mom and sister call every week for an update so I guess I expected her to be doing the same. Both my MIL and FIL practiced medicine so their take on all of this is a little different and although they treat me as such, I am not their daughter.

My mother went to see a Psychic this past weekend and the Psychic told her that I have been on a teeter totter but the door was ajar now and she saw lots of water. My mom asked what the water was all about and she said to expect the gift of life in the spring of 2010. I started crying. My Mom and Dad were crying too when they told me. I am normally very skeptical towards things like that but it gives me hope and I'll take every little bit that I can get!

Family of 5

2009-07-19T18:18:00.000-05:00

We watched my sister's 3 children this weekend so she and her husband could go to a wedding. G is 5, I is 3 and N is 5 months. We certainly had our hands full but enjoyed every minute of it! They picked up the kids on Sunday morning and I have been missing them ever since. I loved having our home filled with the voices and laughter of children. I loved the smell of baby formula on my clothes. I loved giving them baths and making sure they brushed their teeth.

We took the kids to the park and let them run for 2 hours. It was so wonderful to watch J play with the kids....I found myself imagining our life with children and smiling. I want this for us so terribly that my eyes well with tears just thinking about it. I cannot even put into words how my life, just somehow, felt complete to hold a baby and make sure shoes were tied.

I was playing with the baby on the floor and G walked in to play with us. She said, "Why don't you have a baby?" I responded that God just hasn't given us one yet. Then she asked, "Well, when are you going to have a baby then?" I said that I hoped it was soon and smiled. She thought for a moment and then said "You know...you could probably have baby N when we're done with him!" I laughed and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Out of the mouths of babes.

So now I am cleaning up the house and finishing laundry. Suddenly I feel very empty and sad. I told J how I was feeling and he just nodded ~ I think he felt it too. For a brief moment in time we were a family of 5 and now we are back to our big empty house and a family of 2.

No, Not Yet

2009-07-16T12:29:00.000-05:00

After J and I were first married people we meet would ask if we had kids and our response was always, "No, not yet". Then, after we were married 2 years friends and family started asking when we were going to have kids and our response was "We're having fun trying!"

Over the last 3 years I have grown bitter and I harbor resentment towards people who ask if we have children. My negative feelings and struggles with IF have evolved my response into a simple "No" and I offer a weak smile. I am sure most of our friends and family just assume we have made the decision to live without children and I have let people make that assumption rather than me having to offer an explanation.

Now that we have officially started our first IVF cycle (started BCP's on Sunday!) I have a renewed sense of hope that we may actually become parents. So just yesterday when I was asked by a new client if we have children my response was "No, not yet". I didn't plan to say that. It just came out and it felt good to say that again! And after my comment I actually smiled a real smile. Not a fake one, not a forced one. A genuine smile that came from my heart.

We Have A Date!

2009-07-10T06:36:00.000-05:00

Our Financial Counselor called yesterday and told us we needed to send in our check and notarized paperwork for the Shared Risk program. We talked about a lot of things and then she told me I was scheduled for an August 24th retrieval. To mark this in my planner felt wonderful! J doesn't get too excited about things until they happen so I shared with my mother and sister and was greeted back with enthusiasm I was looking for so they made up for his lack of response.
Then I wake up at 3:30 am thinking about my job and possibly my new job. What if insurance doesn't start for 90 days? J woke up shortly after I did and I expressed my concern to him ~ typical male response: "Well, then I guess we just wait for another cycle" No, No, No, No! No way ~ I've waited too long for this. I will stay in my miserable job if I have to. I will not wait until the next up time at my clinic which would be December / January. I will have to find a way to make it work at my current job if that is the case.

I realize that we can't jump to any conclusions until I actually know what the deal is with insurance at the possible new employer but this has just made me cognizant again of how terribly I want this. I will stay in my crazy job if it means I have to wait 6 more months at a try for my maybe baby. We have a date and I'm not letting it go!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2009-07-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

That is how I have been feeling for the last week. J and I have been very busy getting ready for a large 4th of July bash we have every year. The party was great, we had around 50 guests and the weather was gorgeous.

4th of July is actually one of those holidays that I am never prepared for when my emotions creep in and take over. It's not until the guests start to arrive and I am watching all the families trailing in with their pool bags, little kids all excited to show you their new goggles or water toy, talking a mile a minute about what they have been doing all summer. The 4th is not like Mother's Day when I start preparing coping mechanisms weeks in advance. The depression that comes along with the 4th doesn't really hit me until the party starts...After 45 minutes or so I no longer see the friends I haven't been around for 6 months, instead I see the family I long for J and I to be. I watch our female friends look at my glass and wonder if there is alcohol in there. They give me a quick once over to see if I have a tummy that would show a life growing inside me. They are not trying to hurt me, it's the unspoken that makes them curious. We will be married for 5 years in September and J is 41. I know everyone wonders "Do they want kids?" "Why don't they have kids yet?" " What are they waiting for?"

I found out yesterday that we are tentatively scheduled for egg retrieval on August 24. Hearing this made my heart skip a beat ~ I had a smile from ear to ear when I was on the phone with the clinic. To know a date has been scheduled instills a deeper sense of reality that this is going to happen and I am starting to get excited and hopeful again. I actually thought the retrieval would be a week earlier so it just goes to show there is so much more to this than I ever realized. Every night I pray that I will produce good quality eggs and we will only have to go through this once. I'm ready for it to be our turn to have a family.

A friend of ours (whose in his 60's) saw me holding my nephew N who is 5 months old. He came up to me and said I looked good holding the baby and asked when I was "going to get me one of those". I had to hold back the tears and simply replied back that we were trying. Then he said the sweetest thing ~ he said he knew we would wonderful parents and no one deserved it more than us. The tears came after that and the tears are starting now as I write this because I know it's true. We will be wonderful parents because we want to be parents. You can see such a difference in the people who are parents because they want to be and those that are parents because they have to be.

No news on the job front yet. I was under the impression a job offer was coming but was called and asked to set up a formal interview and personality test with the HR Director. So that is scheduled for next week. I keep telling myself I need to trust that everything is happening this way for a reason and trust in God's timing. God's timing is always perfect.

Challenge Test Part 2

2009-06-24T15:01:00.000-05:00

The nurse just called and my FSH was 7.8!!!!! I am absolutely elated. I immediately started crying and thanking God for this ~ He answered my prayers.

It's un-official until we get our letter from the clinic but according to the nurse we jumped through our final hoop swimmingly and we will qualify for the Shared Risk Program.

I realize that we will have to go through so much more before actually getting to retrieval but qualifying for the Shared Risk Program has been weighing heavy on my mind. If we didn't qualify for the program we would only be able to try IVF once. There is no way we could afford to pay for a second or third "try" on our own.

On another note I may be switching jobs. I had one of my "competitors" call me and say she had a position open up. Positions just don't open at this location, most of their sales people have been there for 8+ years. I went to visit with K yesterday and expressed my interest in the position she has available. She is going to speak with HR to get an offer ready. Now my prayers are headed that direction! I really want it to work out with this job because I just cannot handle the stress I am under in my current position and I am just not happy anymore. I was hoping I would hear from K today but nothing so far. Keeping my fingers crossed, it's only 3:00!

Challenge Test Part 1

2009-06-20T06:45:00.001-05:00

So I have been trying to follow my dear friends advice and I have not been researching about IVF. There is still a lot out there that I don't know or understand ,but I'm trying to just let it be and I was doing a good job with that until Thursday. I went to the lab at 8:30 am for my first FSH blood draw. Again ~ no reading, don't really know what FSH is other than what the 3 letters stand for. The nurse left a message that she "was calling with good news ~ my FSH was 7.0 and they like it to be under 10". After listening to the message my mind starts reeling because I need to know more about FSH and what this level means. So the research on FSH ensues at 10 pm on Thursday night....

According to most websites this is how a Clomid Challenge Test should ensue:
Day 3: FSH and E2 level
Day 5-9: Clomid 100 mg (2 tablets)
Day 10: FSH and E2 level
The basis for this test is that the FSH level should be lower on day 10 than on day 3. Using Clomid on days 5 to 9, the FSH will actually rise on day 10 in women whose ovaries lack the ability to properly signal the brain. A high FSH level on day 10 is as bad as a high level on day 3, and can keep us from mistaking the bottom part of a bouncing FSH curve for false reassurance on the state of the ovaries. So the nurse didn't say anything about an E2 level being checked ~ this seems to be normal protocol, why wouldn't they check that?

Moving on to Egg Quality Research

"Eggs are not replaceable. Women are born with all of the eggs they will ever have, and the number of eggs rapidly depletes as women age. Even before a first menstrual period, the number has shrunk from the millions present just before birth to the hundreds of thousands, and many more are lost monthly. Over time, the chance of conceiving in any particular month drops." Why wasn't this a topic of conversation with my OBGYN?

"Think about what an egg is and what it does. Compare an egg to a sperm cell, which is essentially a DNA-filled ziplock bag with a tail. Its job is to deliver DNA to the egg and safely usher it inside. A good sperm cell contains normal DNA and has an effective way to gain entry into the egg. This process is so inefficient that nature sends millions of sperm cells out for each egg, to insure that one individual sperm cell gets the job done." Go figure, another way this all falls on me!

"Once the sperm has delivered the male DNA, however, the egg itself has to do the important work. It must provide an environment for the effective combining and replication of the now combined male and female DNA, and must split again and again in an equal fashion." That settles it, I'm going on bed rest after the retrieval.

For the better part of the last 4 months I have considered that I may just have crappy eggs. As I have said before, I don't believe in my pathetic diagnosis of "Unexplained". After reading about egg quantity and quality I am now convinced I must have crappy eggs. Now we wait until the next blood draw on the 24th. I am praying that the number will be under 10.

Maybe If You Just Relax

2009-06-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

Up until my forced break (while we wait for IVF) my cycles have been 28 days ~ that is until last month when AF showed up 4 days early. Now this month, there are no signs of her. J and I were doing yard work yesterday and I came inside to go to the bathroom. Nothing on the T.P. WTF? Because we are not cycling I have not been following the calendar too much so I go to my planner and count the days. 32. My mind starts running at it's own pace and my heart skips a beat. Could it be? I start thinking about how I've had heart burn for the last 4 days and the bizarro dreams that I have woken up to. I touch my breasts ~ nothing. But that doesn't necessarily mean anything....some women have no pregnancy symptoms at all. I have been pretty tired lately ~ and a little cranky. Could we have really gotten pregnant on our own? I wonder if maybe God just needed J to open up his heart and accept that this is the only way we were going to be a family. Maybe all I really needed to do was actually relax and and enjoy sex instead of concerning myself with the outcome.

Ahhhhh, but how our bodies mess with us just enough to trigger hope and then reality swoops in to snatch it away just as fast as it appeared. The bitch showed up in full force at 5 am this morning. Day 33. Dammit!

So I call the clinic to let them know and ask to schedule the blood work for my Clomid challenge test. The final hoop we have to jump through to determine if we qualify for the shared risk program. We get it scheduled for Thursday and the nurse on the phone says to me that we will go ahead and schedule for the day 10 blood draw while we are on the phone and just assume my blood work is going to come back normal. I ask what she means by that ~ here comes Miss Cranky Pants again. What could be wrong? I had all the blood tests to qualify for IVF and all came back negative. She replies that it could come back with too low of an FSH, antibodies or something that might indicate I won't stimulate to the Clomid. But that doesn't make sense because I took Clomid with IUI #5 and produced 2 good eggs. She shut me up by saying that is why she is just going to assume the test results are going to come back fine. I think infertility should be a prerequisite to work in an RE clinic. Women who are are able to make love to create a baby have no idea what it feels like when you have to place your feet in stirrups and get penetrated by a speculum only to wind up devastated when your results produce a BFN.

I'm feeling pretty negative today and it's probably because I let hope jump in and bite me yesterday. I totally ripped my sister's face off in an email. She forwards me an email from the woman I have considered a dear friend up until this year. The email is asking my sister for my email address and saying how she can't believe I'm not signed up on Facebook. How do you misplace the email address of someone who was your best friend since the 6th grade? I have had the same email address for the last 6 years btw. The last communication I had with V was in February when I sent her a happy birthday email. She responded back with a thank you and rattles on about her kids and a pathetic "how are you doing?" at the end. I was feeling pretty emotional that day and said how we just went through our 3rd failed IUI and were getting ready for #4 and praying like mad it was going to work. She doesn't respond back. Nothing. Crickets. And I haven't had any correspondence with her since.

Maybe it should be a prerequisite for best friends to suffer with infertility too. Or maybe I just need to learn how to relax.

Hello....?!

2009-06-10T22:01:00.001-05:00

So last month AF reared her ugly head early and now this month she has yet to give me one signal she is one her way. I am hopeful I do not wake up tomorrow morning to find she has graced me with her presence because I have my annual Pap at 11:30 am. I need to have this annual exam in order to be "up-to-date" with my medical records and proceed with IVF. Go figure, another hoop to jump through.

So my life has been incredibly aggrevating the last 48 hours. On Tuesday morning I left for a 9 am meeting at 7 am because the meeting is 2 hours away. Spent all day in the meeting, got back to my car and realized I didn't have enough ink in my printer for the reports I needed for the next days meeting. Drove to Staple.s and bought ink. It was 8:30 pm before I got home. I was so tired that I brushed my teeth and went to bed. Only to wake up at 5 am and start working again. I have a large account that I needed to present a business case to a 2 pm. My office is an hour and half away and I still needed to catch up on all the emails from my out-of-office the day before. By 10 am I am caught up and rearing to go and by 12 pm I am literally running out of the door. I make it to all of my appointments on time and start driving home around 4 pm. Get home at 5:40 pm only to realize I am locked out of my house and J is 3 hours away. WTF?! All I wanted to do was come home, work out and have some dinner. Is that so much to ask? So, I did what any woman would do.....I stopped by the local store, purchased a bottle of wine and went to my mother's house. I had dinner with my mom and dad and thought about how much work I had to do the entire time. I just got home 45 minutes ago! Argh! It's 10:30 pm and I could literally work all night. (sigh) But tomorrow is another 5 am day so here we go again!

During my crazy last two days I encountered one of my 10 pregnant collegues. It instantly put me in a bad mood and I still do not feel as though I have recovered. I wish I could get past my petty issues with pregnant women but I am truly struggling with this right now. I was invited to a baby shower last week and asked to go in on a group gift. I realize that this will be one of many and it makes me want to vomit. It is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars to have a baby (and that is a maybe baby) the last thing I want to do is contribute into a gift for someone who got pregnant 2 months after she got married.

I have become incredibly bitter. I see pregnant women at Targ.et and I get angry. I go the grocery store and see a woman with 3 children (and none of them have shoes on) and I become infuriated. I have come to realize that my baby issues worsen when my work-life / personal life starts falling off the charts. I was just very mean to J 5 mintues ago but he doesn't get it either and I have resentment towards that. So here I sit. Typing at my laptop. Sending words out into the void....

Juno

2009-06-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

Juno is a movie that I have not had any desire to see but I am working in my hotel room tonight and wanted to have the tv on. I flip to HBO and start watching. Suddenly, I am no longer working and instead my eyes are filled with tears as I watch Jennifer Garner put her hands on Juno's belly. My heart got heavy and it didn't even feel like I was breathing. Then to watch this couple split apart because of her desire to have a baby and his realization that he didn't want to be a father, broke my heart.

I never imagined a life without children by lately I find myself thinking about what our life would be like. Imagining how J calls me Mommy to our dog ~ will I ever hear a child refer to me as Mommy? I don't know that I could ever make the decision not to have children but I wonder, is there a price that you can put on being a family? Because we are paying for IVF out-of-pocket I think about if it doesn't work. If it doesn't work and a year from now we still do not have children then it's time to consider adoption. Adoption is another alternative we do not have insurance coverage for. Cha-Ching!

On the opposite side I find myself trying to work on projects around our home that I will not want / should not be doing, if I get pregnant in August. We are starting to make plans with friends for summer outings and get togethers and every date that is mentioned I associate with my IVF cycle. Will on be on injections yet? Bedrest? Could I be pregnant by that date?

The other night I asked J if he ever thought about what our life would be like with children. His response was that "it would be different". I tried to dig a little deeper, Do you ever think about it? No, not really but I know life is going to change. Then I fall back into the Juno movie when Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman are in the nursery looking at paint colors. I once again feel a connection to this character and my throat tightens up, tears start to form again. I know her pain all too well. To want something so terribly and feel as though you are in your battle alone is by far some of the worst pain I have endured in my lifetime.

Is Ignorance Bliss?

2009-06-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

Wow, life has been a whirlwind over the last two weeks! J and I went out of town for Memorial Day weekend which went right into a jam packed 4 day work week and then into another busy weekend with a birthday party and 2 graduation parties.

I have been anxiously reading a few blogs of women who are in the midst of their IVF cycles, trying to soak up as much as I can as I prepare for my own in a few months. Then a sweet friend of mine (who has been through 3 IVF cycles) emailed to see how I was doing. I respond that I am trying to educate myself and get mentally prepared for my first cycle. She replied back that I shouldn't get too caught up in all of it. Her first cycle was her best cycle and she gives credit to it being her lack of knowledge. She went into it with confidence that it was going to work ~ and it did.

Then I think back to our IVF appointment a few weeks ago. One of the first questions the nurse asked me was "How much do you know about IVF?" I told her that I felt like I knew a lot, I had done a lot of research and felt confident with our decision to move forward with this. She said, "Well, tell me what you know" Now I was annoyed that she had challenged me so I start blabbing on and on about what I know ~ probably too much because she stopped me and said "Okay, so you do know a lot ~ much more than most. Just don't get too caught up in everything you read".

A friend of a friend conceived with her first IVF cycle and I asked her about their journey. She talked a lot about IUI's, miscarriages, still birth, multiple RE's ~ you name it, she went through it. When they switched to their last RE they went into the IVF cycle saying "If it happens, it happens." They had already been through so much that they weren't going to get wrapped up in the fate of this cycle. And lo and behold, they were blessed with beautiful twin daughters. And L says she would go through it all again to have her girls.

Now I find myself thinking that maybe Ignorance is Bliss....I remember our first IUI when I was running around the house singing "It's baby day!". I wasn't thinking about how there was only a 15% chance of it working. I wasn't worrying that J had only abstained for 48 hours and what his counts were going to be. There was no concern about how many eggs were waiting to be released. I was just happy to be having the IUI. I was overjoyed that we were at this point, that we had made it this far.

I know I can't get the innocence of the first IUI experience back....that woman has left the building, but maybe I can quit obsessing over egg quality and 3 day vs. 5 day transfers. I'm not quite sure that I can have the attitude of "what will be, will be" because we have too much of a financial investment in this working, but maybe I should just let ignorance be my bliss.

Pregnant Women

2009-05-21T07:38:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned previously, I work from home however, I do go to offices within my region weekly. Yesterday I went to one of the dreadful offices with 3 pregnant women. One of them brought in her ultrasound pictures and was commenting on how "gross" her baby looked. She said when the picture was on the ultrasound screen she asked the nurse to take it down, that the baby looked like "skeletor". I was sitting at a desk, trying to focus and drown out her words with the hum of my laptop ~ all while my heart was breaking. Maybe if it took her longer than 4 months to get pregnant she would feel a little differently. What I would give to see the precious life growing inside me on an ultrasound screen. I just can't imagine that I would ever tell the nurse to "take it down" and refer to my baby as "skeletor" or "gross". Then I had to listen to her talk about how hungry she was all morning. I walked by her office and found her desk covered in candy and soda cans. It was disgusting and I can't believe that she is going to be a mother.

I don't want to be angry

2009-05-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

So I found out tonight that collegue #10 is pregnant. Most days I just can't believe that this is my life. Nothing has ever come easy for me, so I shouldn't be surprised that I am having to fight tooth and nail to have a baby, but I am surprised by how easy this is for everyone around me. I don't want to be angry and stressy about this because I can't change it but I also can't help it. My emotions flood into my heart and my head and I can't stop it. I try to build a wall but it keeps getting knocked down. I don't feel as though I am in control of my emotions any more ~ and I'm not even on any fertility drugs right now!